depression sucks

i feel like shit...dont feel like blogging, checking others, eating, showering..anything.. i take my 5 pills at nite that make me sleep 16 hours and hope to god when i do wake up ill feel an ounce of joy in my life but so far nothing... dr. fuckstick raised the dosages...im left to sit and wait it out.. my bed is the only safe place unless i happen to have nightmares then i just lay there and fantasize about what i wish my life was like. i push everyone away when i get like this, noone wants to be around a depressed person. I picked up a new lizard, mom dragged my ass outta the house to petsmart.. 90 bucks on dog food, cat food, rat food, fish stuff, lizard food and the new lizard for ivan so hes not alone..all these animals.. thinking maybe if i sorround myself with things i love itll take away that big black lonely hole that has sat in my heart forever. it doesnt..but at least most days it forces me outta bed to feed/water/pet/hold/watch and distract me from my insane mind that keeps me prisoner. 1...2..should i?...yah...3 pills...45 mgs of amphetamine.. that should jumpstart my ass, at least maybe give me a few minutes of fake happiness.