the group, being gay, and self-hate

So i guess im "butch" whatever that means... i think im just me..Im comfortable with baggy jeans and tshirts and my hair is short now and i walk talk and think like a guy. I tried changing. Years and years i tried hiding it having long hair, forcing myself into the girly clothes i hated so much. Feeling like i was in a costume. In rehab my sponser told me I needed to dress like a girl, that being gay was part of my "disease" and dressing how i did was feeding into it and would most definetly lead ot me getting high again. So she took me shopping, I drove with my permit my stepmom and sponser and two girls on steering commitee to the mall (oh god the mall where teeny-boppers thrive) I hit a car on my war out of the parking lot of my house. Shouldve known then this wasnt going to bea good trip. We went into a store i forget exactly what it was called 579, 357, some shit like that i didnt realize why the name until i saw the sizes on the clothes. HA HA even a 9 is a joke. I weighed about 140 then which for me was thin considering i came into the group weighing around 180. I got down to 140 by smoking everytime i wanted to eat and throwing up. The group doesn;t like fat people ya know. So we go to another store, I'm basically being dragged around by these girls into stores and told what to buy what to wear. I bought tight jeans and a nice v-neck type of blouse? or something i dont even know what these things are called im buying. I bought a par of boots with big heels, cuz "guys like tall girls, and itll make you look skinnier". I wore my new putfit the next day at the meeting. Hating every second of it. The guys looked at me funny, the girls looked at me funny. and I felt like a goddam freak. I stepped out of the meting 5 minutes into it and spent the rest of the time sitting in the bathroom crying and burning myself because i wasnt normal and no matter how hard i tried id always be a freak. i wore the clothes for months. my sponser got some guy to ask me to the banquet (like rehab prom kinda heh) and said i HAD TO GO. my dad went behind my back and bought the tickets. they were 50 sumthing dollars. I had to go now. I couldnt blow 50 bucks dad would be pissed and i would hate myself for him wasting the money. So then i got to go dress shopping. wonderful. I bought what someone else told me to buy. i bought the heels they wanted and OMG i even bought and carried a lil cute purse to go with it all. They did my hair. I tried to ignore it all. The day of banquet they fixed me up. I threw up 3 times before leaving. I got in the packed limo and tried not to vomit, talk, move, anything that would make me seem like me -which to me was too guyish. My one real friend at the time was there, she came up to me said "you look really really nice, and really really uncomfortable" I loosened up a little, shot the shit with her talked about who knows what then she started laughing. she said something along hte lines of ya know even in the dress and makeup and all that crap, you cant hold it in, youre still macho-like. I was crushed but played it off and made a even harder attempt to be as feminine as possible for the next 4 hours of this crap. I'd sit at the table and stare at the ground most the time and different girls would look over and tell me my bra strap was showing or to pull my dress up cuz i was showing cleavage, or to cross my legs. not like i was sitting there with em all sprawled out i had them as close together as possible-thinking this was what i was supposed to do. but no, they were supposed to be crossed. I tried. I tried. maybe its harder for fat people to cross their legs like that? I dunno but it didnt work. we went to the shop afterwards. my date and his buddies left in the limo to go ride around. my one real friend-who was my sponsee had gone home, i told her it was ok for her and another girl to go together Wow the shit i got for that one! and they both got so much shit for it they just went home after the dinner instead of going to the shop like everyone else. i had noone and i felt like i was a freak. I called my dad crying for him to come pick me up. he didnt understand. i got home and puked another 4 or 5 times. then carved FAG in my leg, the first of many times. I have a "fresh" burn saying the same thing.. FAG... had a convo with sumone last nite that just kinda rekindled the flame, I wanted to carve/burn/tattoo it onto my fucking forehead but i couldnt because today i have group therapy and if you self harm you cant og to group and ive missed last week and the week before i was so late itrs counted as an absence and if you miss 4 your out of the program and i wanna go camping next week so I have to go today. So the feeling just sits inside and festers. The need to punish myself for being "butch", for not being "right", for not being "acceptable"-even to myself. I wear pride jewelry, i feel no pride, but hope another girl will see it and maybe it would start something.

I remember my therapist asking me something about do you have a stable self image? When she was going thru the list of borderline personality disorder symptoms. I replied yes. and said in my head im stable in the fact that i know exactly what i am and i hate it and wish i could change. -but really i dont want to change, cuz girls are wayyyy to fine to be a heterosexual lol.

I dunno why that word bugs me still. To be called "butch" hurts. I'm just me. I don't want/need another label I have enough already. I wanna be accepted for who I am no matter what that is like I am to other people. my best friend didnt understand. ::sighs::