Monday, December 12, 2005

are u candace?

looking around at 6 cops and a widdle puppy..(k so it was a belgian malinios k9-cop more on that later) ummm...yah? GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS AND ON YOUR HEAD NOW! oh sheeeeit! Do you have any weapons on you??*silent shock*Wheres the gun!?ok ok..everyone settle down, guns in the car not on me. *quick pat down & takes my keys* Sit on the curb! why are you taking my keys?*phone rings* hey whyd you take my cell phone? We need to talk to you before terros can come over here. I don't like cops, i told them no cops, she lied, Candace I need you to talk to ME now. she lied, I don't like cops you fuckers shot my friend. We didn't shoot anyone. Looks over at dog pulling on his collar/leash. "Hey buddy hows it goin? owner treatin ya nice?Yer a cute lil puppy, lil bubbawubbasis"..dog sits.."they probly taught you in german huh...ghutan tawg?" dog stands "nine", dog sits...officer takes dog and moves behind a parked car. i laugh. terros lady blah blahs, says i can go voluntary or they can petition me and ill be there for longer...i was already aware of this fact...i told her i said NO COPS, & NO PRC, and what do i get? cops and a forced trip to the prc.."It's ok though, I called crisis initially at about 9 or 10...the whole cops deal and arguing with terros and the dr at prc, then signing in yada yada, i didnt get back into the ward until around 5, saw the dr at 9 and was out at 10...beat my own record. 5 hours of suicide watch, I'm pretty good at gettin out of there, helps I don't appear as crazy as i am.

lmfao tho when they called me 6 times in a row this morning and i finally answered and a guy was on the line, said his name was brian, he had called to hear my message also, apprently they were passing my number aruond the office tryna figure it out. I said, oh so you just wanted to listen to the freak show too eh? he says lemme give you to dianne who was tryna call you to begin with. she asks what is that message about, its very odd. i laugh and say oh yah i forgot, ill have to change that, she tells me i have an appt to see another dr after our staffing on tuesday. they sure our filling up tuesday for me. staffing at 10, dr afterwards at 11, therapy at 1, new group thing at 3..she asks what are my plans for the day,. i say to change my voicemail message, she says to give her a call later, i say why? she says so she knows im ok....uhhh alright.

about the last post that is now deleted, im an asshole at times and spaz out, I know you guys would do and do do (heh i said do do) anything you can for me. Im sorry

Saturday, December 10, 2005

ten things that make me happy ~for anna

1. sleepin with my dog & driftin off to sleep lisnin to his heart beat and him snoring

2. laughing with friends

3. beer *shrugs* I'm tryna be honest

4. listening & singin along to music

5. making weird art projects

6. brushing my teeth

7. staying in hotels

8. writing

9. ice cream cones..the cake cone kind not the sugar cones those r nasty

10. playing with or petting any of my animals.

Friday, December 09, 2005

visit with Dr. Dumbshit

::waiting in lobby::::
::walking into office 15 minutes late ::
Dr.Dumbshit: Sorry about the delay, I'm running late today.
Hatter: It's ok, no biggie
Dr.Dumbshit: How are you doing today?
Hatter: Shitty
Dr.Dumbshit: Why is that?
Hatter: Cuz I wanna die, and I'm hella paranoid lately
Dr. Dumbshit: *flips thru papers* It looks like last time you were in you were having some money problems, are you still having them?
Hatter: *half-laughs* nah, I hit the jackpot....yessss, I'm still having them, and more so now then before.
Dr.Dumbshit: So why do you think you are depressed?
Hatter: cuz my life sucks
Dr.Dumbshit: *flips through more papers* How about we try stopping all your meds?
Hatter: Are you for fucking reals?
Dr.Dumbshit: Well, it looks like the meds aren't helping you, so maybe we should try you without anything for awhile.
Hatter: So I can get like I was before and end up in the hospital again? I think that's a really stupid idea to be honest with you.
Dr.Dumbshit: So what do you think we should do then? I'm open to suggestions.
Hatter: Well apparently since I don't need meds yet I want to die, I should just go blow my head off.
Dr.Dumbshit: That's not an option.
Hatter: Why the fuck not? You just said I should try not taking any meds.
Dr.Dumbshit: What I said was they don't seem to be helping. In your case, the suicidal thinking is probably an obsessive compulsive problem and people just have to learn to deal with that.
Hatter: Oh yah? ...That's helpful.
Dr.Dumbshit: Why don't we try upping your Adderal dosage by 5mgs. Come back in a month and we'll see if that has improved your mood at all.
Hatter: (in head, ok so yah we're practicing 1940's medicine now by treating depression with speed this makes perfect sense stupid bitch) Fine, whatever.
Dr.Dumbshit: So, what kept you from killing yourself yesterday?
Hatter: I thought I was going to come in here and you would give me some hope and maybe an anti-depressant.

*my case managers' boss comes thru the door* (I'll call her CMB cuz i ferget her name)
blah blah blahs about getting me into an art program (that ive been trying to get into for at least 9 months now), and a peer support person (a friend...wouldn't think it'd be so hard to find a crazy friend for me to talk to but aparently they're having problems finding someone to "match" with me)

Dr. Dumbshit to CMB: So Candace is talking about killing herself
CMB: Do you have a plan?
Hatter: Do I need one, is it really that hard?
Dr.Dumbshit: How would you do it if you were going to then?
Hatter: Probably a gun (thinking in head, or the 90 pills of klonopin you just prescribed me plus what I have at home, or the thousands of milligrams of speed you prescribed me would work too)
Dr.Dumbshit: So, you have a gun then? Is it loaded? -to CMB: Were you aware she had a gun in the home?
CMB: Yes, I was aware
Hatter: (in head thinking...why would i have a gun if its not loaded, what does she think I'm going to smack myself to death with it?) Yes, I have a gun in my house, no it is not currently loaded.
Dr.Dumbshit: Do you have access to the ammunition?
Hatter: um...yah
Dr.Dumbshit: What's going to keep you from leaving here, going home and using it then?
Hatter: I dunno
Dr.Dumshit: Will you call the crisis line if you need to?
Hatter: yah, sure..can I go now?
CMB: Do you need to go to the PRC for the weekend?
Hatter: Fuck no *takes papers off desk* am I done now?
Dr.Dumbshit: Ok, I'll Have CMB walk up front with you and schedule your next appointment.
:::walking, CMB opens door to lobby::: Have a good day!
Hatter: *looks at line to check out and schedule next appointment, waits 5 minutes, throws papers on a chair and leaves* mumbles to herself: Fuck this shit, whats the point...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

do not breathe
or move at all
make no sounds
im on the wall
eyes closed
body tense
wish away
makes no sense

cold metal in my hands
dangerous they say
buried in the sand
wish where HE did lay
2nd amendment right
forced to give away
why cant i feel safe?
nothing seen as gray
uve screwed yerself again
like every fuckin day
im tired of u doing this
where will u run now pray?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

You Are Likely A Forth Born


At your darkest moments, you feel angry.
At work and school, you do best when your analyzing.
When you love someone, you tend to be very giving.
In friendship, you don't take the initiative in reaching out.
Your ideal jobs are: factory jobs, comedy, and dentistry.
You will leave your mark on the world with your own personal philosophy.





























The Birth Order Predictor

hmmm..actually I was first, 2 minutes before my sister. I'll agree with the first paragraph...dunno about the second.

AOL can kiss my ass

I've jumped on the bandwagon along with so many others. I don't want my personal space to be invaded by ads I don't agree with. I haven't used any of my aol journals in a while because of the "TOSability" of 90% of what I write, so I just abandoned them. Now though, I will take each and every fucking entry and copy it into WordPerfect and delete the journals entirely, I don't want the aohell bastards making a single fucking penny off of MY WORK. The fact that the way they have the journals set up means I have to go in to each one individually in my archives and cut&paste it into WordPerfect which so far I've done 50 entries in about half an hour and have around 600 more to go, pisses me off so bad that I will be changing ISP's ASAP. fuckin cocksuckers...

very GRRRRR

???anyone know an easier way to copy all the aohell journal entries out????

pill art #4 or #5...i forget..pill art #sumthin

due to the sudden and unexpected lack of pills, the series was delayed and some parts of my pill odyssey will never be complete..stupid pill theives...

anywho, Captain Howdy Girl over at HP Sauce aka "the funniest blog i know of" liked them or maybe she was jus lyin to be nice...well either way it reminded me that i forgot how much fun they were to make so..

I now present to you:

Pill art comics, The Sleep Medication Series




Dr.s desk says "dr. med", and writing says Peabrain above his head











pencil drawing of moon & stars



writing says: Dude, I can pet the stars fer reallll..


desk says "Dr. Med"

writing above head
says "still peabrain"















desk says "real Dr."

reasons why my mom makes me nucking futs

My moms been irritating me alot lately, so I guess rather then take it back out on here I'll just bitch about it in here.

reason numero uno: She woke me up this morning. For nothing. I'm 23, have no problems waking up, in fact I wake up pretty much constantly through-out the nite which she is aware of and for some reason she felt the need to come in and ask me if I was getting up today. GRR

Number 2. No matter how many times I tell her, she still insists on starting conversations with me by yelling something across the house that I can't hear, usually while I'm doing something else, feeding the dogs, cleaning cages etc. I stop, yell back I can't hear you mom, and she'll repeat at least twice more. Then I'll walk all the way back to wherever she is and ask her what? and she'll say something absolutely fucking retarded like "your cat was in here" me: SOOOOO?!?!?WTF?!?!

Number 3. She lied to my therapist & has lied to previous therapists.

~more to come

Saturday, December 03, 2005

boredom leads to survey & quiz addiction

The Best Myspace Survey
* . . About You . . *
Eye Color::hazel
Hair Color::brownish
Height::5'5"
Favorite Color::blue
Screen Name::I have a few
Favorite Band::Nirvana
Favorite Movie::Alice in Wonderland, or Better then Chocolate
Favorite Show::The L Word
Your Car::currently resides in a junk yard cuz some stupid ass hit me and totaled it
Your Hometown::Phoenix & it's burbs
Your Present Town::Surprise
Your Crushes First Name::Rachel
Your Grade::been there done that
Your Style::..uh...none
* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?:yep, get to climb up there later today and fix the lights yet again too
Kissed someone in the rain?:do dreams count?
Danced in a public place?:only when drunk, or it wasn't my choice
Smiled for no reason?:thats an odd question..
Laughed so hard you cried?:yep, and damn it was fuckin funny!
Peed your pants after age 8?:not that I can recall
Written a song?:a few
Sang to someone for no reason?:I've sang on the phone, not necessarily to "someone"
Performed on a stage?:as a kid a few times
Talked to someone you don't know?:If you only talked to people you knew, you would know noone new...thats a tongue twister there eh..
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?:I don't consider it "going out of my way"
Made out in a theatre?:Don't remember
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?:yah, in the cult/rehab
Been in love?:yep
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?:the exact word "HI"...I think my dad
Tell you, I love you?:my sister..exact words.."alright dude, talk to ya later, love ya"
Kiss you?:Sketch
Hug you?:Don't remember
Tell you BYE?:Steph
Write you a note?:my uncle wrote me a note listing what he wanted me to get him at Dairy Queen
Take your photo?:myself
Call your cell phone?:Steph
Buy you something?:my uncle got me my tattoo
Go with you to the movies?:my uncle
Sing to you?:Colleen..a long time ago, gotta love drunk singin lol
Write a poem about you?:Colleen the one and only time, again a long time ago
Text message you?:Stacie
Touch you?:Stacie
* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?:last sunday, when I laughed so hard I cried
Time you cried?:from not laughing?...last Friday
Movie you watched?:bits and pieces of a few..the last full movie I watched was "If these walls could talk 2"..I think..
Joke you told?:tonite I said to my bro and his gf while at the zoo.. "we should ride the carouse...I'll ride the rooster, cuz I'd love to ride a cock".. does that count as a joke?
Song you've sang?:F.O.D. by Green Day
Time you've looked at the clock?:0.5 seconds after I read this question..3:18 pm
Drink you've had?:alcoholic? vanilla vodka that was nasty. Non-alcoholic: I'm on my fourth bottle of water for the day
Number you've dialed?:my therapist
Book you've read?:completely? Don't remember, but I read the dictionary some last night..
Food you've eaten?:half a naaaaaaasty chicken wrap from sonic that pissed me off cuz it was so gross.
Flavor of gum chewed?:dentyne ice "arctic chill" my favorite :)
Shoes you've worn?:my regular sneakers
Store you've been in?:Petsmart
Thing you've said?:lil bro said as we turned onto my street "So I guess that means you don't wanna go get ice cream?" my response..heh..."No, cuz everywhere I go today they piss me off..ya know..the whole car thing, then Banfield bein fuckin retarded, then..well the zoo was ok except for that little kid banging on the glass cages and his friggin parents not stopping him, then stupid sonic, and my tattoo bein weird...jus fuck it dude, we got ice cream at home"
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?:crappily
Whistle?:I'm out of practice, so not as good as I used to.
Blow a bubble?:Can't everyone?
Roll your tounge in a circle?:mos def
Cross your eyes?:yup, wanna see the pics? it's actually kind of scary
Touch your tounge to your nose?:jus tried and yes
Dance?:I say no, others say I can..*shrugs
Gleek?:not anymore
Stay up a whole night without sleep?:I do it all the time without any struggle, is that really that rare?
Speak a different language?:only small phrases
Impersonate someone?:a few people..
Prank call people?:I prefer to harrass bill collectors and telemarketers
Make a card pyramid?:yesh
Cook anything?:mos def
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a ...:fish i'd be dead right now.. (i dunno wtf thats about, first thing that popped in my head)
I wish ...:i may i wish i might, have this wish i wish tonite...(see above in parenthesis)
So many people don't know that ...:im a freak
I am ...:the lizard queen!! bwahaha (simpsons quote)
My heart is ...:broke but I have some glue help me inhale and mend it with you..we'll float around and hang out on clouds then we'll come down and have a hangover... -Kurt Cobain
Take this survey Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d
and since im so freakin bored and this was kinda fun for me, and i wanna read other peoples answers i tag...hmmm...umm....KRIS! :D

Thursday, December 01, 2005

random questions from annas' blog

1. I've always been afraid of ghosts.
2. People should not talk on cell phones while trying to talk to someone who is working..like don't come into the veterinarians office and talk on your phone while the tech is trying to ask you questions..that always pissed me right the fuck off.
3. The one thing I look forward to every day is spending time with my animals.
4. My first meal of the day usually consists of pills and water.
5. It seems like living is a never-ending job.
6. The last time I painted a room in my house/apartment was the living room about3-4 months ago?
7. The next time I paint, I'd like to paint the rest of one of the half finished paintings that just hang on my wall and collect dust.