2 things

1. If your gonna go shopping crazy, support the good stores :)
HRC Buying for Equality

2. Having a cat lick your fresh tattoo is not only bad for the tat, but hurts like a SONOFABITCH!!

3 and a half hours later...

the collar bone area hert a lil

tattoo day tomorrow

well actually later on today but i havent slept yet so its still considered tomorrow in my book. It's gonna be a busy morning, take the car to get the alignment checked at 10 its should take about an hour. Therapy at 1, again an hour, then the tat at 3. Still not sure exactly what it's going to be, I gave the artist my ideas, something with a praying mantis and a lambda and she was gonna work on the drawing over the week. Hopefully it's something I like cuz I'm hella stoked and gonna be really disappointed if I go down there and I hate her idea and have to draw my own and reschedule. Maybe I'll end up just doing something simple like a black triangle with a lambda inside..who knows. My uncle keeps telling me to be prepared for the pain, which is the last thing on my mind. I'm worried about how hard its gonna be to sit there for 2 hours straight, and how/if I'm gonna be able to wear a bra right after cuz its supposed to be going up my arm over my shoulder and down my chest a little. I wanted to ask the tat artist about doing a cover on some of my old scars too but my uncle called me tonite and wants me to meet him at his place and drive down there together so that idea is thrown out the window. Don't really want him to know about that. We were talking about branding the other day, he said he had done one a long time ago and it turned out like crap, thankfully I was wearing a long shirt and he didn't ask if i had any cuz my turned out pretty crappy too, plus I didn't wanna answer the inevitable questions of "why would you do that?" and "why that particular mark?"...

Wish me luck that the artist has a awesome pic for me.

-last nite I had a odd experience, I was standin outside smokin & freezin and that "starlight star bright wishing" song in my head then I saw a shooting star and of course wished on it, actually made a wish for myself too which I never do. Just the first thing that popped in my head was for myself...Hopefully it'll come true.

word association -my way- heh

So the thing was to get a dictionary and find ten random words and the word associate them. I can't find my dictionary and I'm weird so I decided the persons' blog I found it on I'd just use every 14th word from one of their posts...why?...cuz 14 sounded like a good number i guess..But then a few of the first 14 words were only 1 or 2 letters so I did a few more and I just did the ones with 3 or more letters......i tend to complicate things..

anyways heres the list:

yet --------------time
longer ------------shorter
what --skip too cuz im drawin a blank
friend ------------sad
is ----skip
if ----skip
about -------------a girl (its a song title for non-nirvana fans)
an ----skip
love ---------------hurts
a ----skip
find ---------------lost
me -----skip
day ---------------nite
more -------------please
things ------------unimportant
elusive -----------hidden

"I found Jesus..

...he goes buy the name "hey-zeus" and steals hubcaps from cars.." -Bloodhound Gang


~in the nicest way i can put it~
Did church just let out right into my blog or what? I appreciate the prayers, support, people acting like they care etc. Fer reals though, I DONT DO THE GOD THING. -ESPECIALLY THE JESUS THING. Yes, I'm aware that some may say "well that's why you are having problems"...please don't.

i go to sleep wanting to die
i wake up wanting to die
i spend all day on the computer trying to use what little is left of my brain and can't
i drive an hour to go meet people at a bar, go inside, feel like a social retard, and walk back out
i head back home and keep glancing at the gun in the passenger seat
i pull over, cock it, and sit with it in my lap until interrupted by security telling me to leave
i talk to someone i care alot about and feel like shit that im telling her theres anything wrong
i drive the long way home crying and switching between holding the gun and holding my phone
i sneak inside with the gun, put it under the bed, take meds, & blog this shit...
this is my life

jus cuz yer paranoid, dont meant they're not after you

You are 87% Conspiracy Nut You are the most paranoid conspiracy nut ever! You trust no one, ever - Unless they can gain your trust over months and years of friendship. You are very clever, and you most likely have built a bunker for the pending avian flu outbreak. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

I found this over at Simple yet satisfying which is a very cool blog IMO.

why do they make it sound so bad..

Oscar the Grouch You scored 22% Organization, 46% abstract, and 27% extroverted!

This test measured 3 variables. First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean. Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type. Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself. You are more sloppy, both concrete and abstract, and more introverted. Here is why are you Oscar the Grouch. You are both sloppy. You might not always know where everything you need is. Perhaps you don't even care. You don't live in a trash can though. You both can be concrete or abstract thinkers. Oscar's vision of life is very dreamy in an unusual way. His greatest pleasure is being unhappy, but the act of being unhappy makes him happy... which is exactly what he doesn't want. That's quite abstract. You have a good balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires within limits. You are both quite introverted. For whatever reason you are uncomfortable in social settings. You probably have one or two people that you are close with. You'd rather do things by yourself and you dislike working in groups. Oscar hates it when people bug him. The other possible characters are Cookie Monster Big Bird Snuffleupagus Ernie Elmo Kermit the Frog Grover The Count Guy Smiley Bert

Link: The Your SESAME STREET Persona Test written by greencowsgomoo on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

sleep sucks

2 weeks of not being able to sleep more then 2 hours at a time..few days ago i take somas, ambien, and some extra klonies and i slept like a grand fuckin baby..9 hours, only woke up twice, woke up and actually felt rested for the first time in months..only asted a day..nite before last i take ambiens and drink I fall asleep but have nitemares. first one was im running. being chased, he catches me, chokes me, i wake up( im really getting bored with that one). Second one im in the bathroom using clippers on my face, apparently i thought i needed to shave lol, but i go to make my first swipe and i shave off all my skin, so i make a second swipe and off comes more skin, i can see it in the sink, curled up pieces of skin like fruit peels. I look up at the mirror and see my face with the muscles and blood vessels all showing...my face is a bloody disgusting mess and i wake up. Last nite (this morning) i slept 4 hours..first dream i went in to get my tattoo and it was too tiny for me to even see, everyoneelse could see and thought it was cool but my eyes couldnt see that small, it was just a tiny blurry mess. 2nd dream...well...it was just bad. I wake up, catch my breath, decide to go smoke, see my clock on the way out and think dammit i only slept 4 fuckin hours...step oputside and feel the sprinkles on my head..of course its sprinkling!~because i washed the cars yesterday it hassssss to rain...sigh..

happy turkey day ppl : )

Sketch needs an intervention

this is his 3rd all out-trash the house party in 2 weeks...I'm not sure what he's taking but he may be sneaking it into his puppy chow when I'm not looking..and worse I think he may be getting Lick into it with him also...

"..i think its kinda funny and i think its kinda sad.."

(that i have that song in my head alot lately)...

can someone tell me when precisely i fucked up and god said hey, lets throw a shitfest on candace for ?? years...or is it the whole...this is gods plan, i have to learn these things yada yada, god will never give you more then u can handle crap... cuz dude fer reals...i cant hang.
hello god are you there its me, no not margaret, candace..maybe you got our names confused...but i think im a pretty decent person, could ya lay off a lil bit?...


let's see if i can not be all depressed wah why me crap and come up with some humor out of the misery...hmmm...watchin someone discover they have a urinary catheter can be highly amusing...im sick i know but damn it was funny...watching the drs face after you tell her "ya know the business you work for has already been sued for telling another patient what you just told me" is amusing too..and then watching them fumble over their words to try and fix it made my grin get even bigger..watching interns eyes get reeeeal wide when they start hearing your "mental shit" is slightly funny, i particularly like answering their questions before they ask them. ex.: the dr says ask her the suicidal, homicidal, self harm, psychosis blah blah blah rundown and i jus say yes yes yes and yesssss...and smile : )

"..im not crazy im just a little un...well..yah i am crazy, nevermind..

sometimes i get certain songs stuck in my head at the most inconvienent times, like while sitting in an AA meeting (not for myself) and i keep hearing in my head"...im not an addict its cool, i feel alive.." over and over and over..and the whole " i think its kinda funny, i think its kinda sad, that the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had" in therapy, at the dr.s and the hospital..curioser and curioser..

its odd...

how something can look or be perceived as one way, but feel totally different to you. My mom says Sketch looks intimidating/mean. All I see is my big, goofy, loving, harmless baby..


< does he look "mean" to anyone besides her?




damn, hes sitting all crooked...how weird...he usually doesn't sit like that...

new lessons for the month

1. DID can actually happen to people and that fuckin sucks.

2. Even though it may not seem that challenging to cut your own hair, do not attempt this. Between the depth perception change and the reverse image of myself in the mirror its amazing my hair isn't shorter. I managed to chop off a section of my bangs to a little less then 1/2 an inch...














3. A beanie will not help this problem, I still look like an ass.


4. Try to remember what all you were gonna post about before starting to write your entries cuz if you walk away in the middle of it thinking "if I go smoke then I'll remember what else I wanted to put in there" by the time you give up trying to remember and come back, you will have been disconnected from blogger and have to redo the whole post. and damnit that really fuckin sucks.

*gets on intercom: "Can I get a punctuation check on number 4 please!?"

thats just greeeaaaat...

What does your future hold? You will become a nudist and live in a compound with other nudists Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

I think I'll pass unless it's all female.
I don't like the penis, especially the 50 year old, overweight man type.... *shudders*

so whats the other 10%?

Naturally Smart You're a naturally smart person. Your intelligence comes to you naturally, rather than from instruction - and you are better with applied or more real-world things... which comes in handy, here in the real world. 20% applied intelligence 70% natural intelligence

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

and apparently whoever wrote the Html code for this link sucks

sketchs new chew toy....

Sketch has alot of chew toys, soft plush ones, medium rubber ones, a hard rubber kong, ropes, tennis balls, a half deflated football, frisbees..yada yada yada...he gets rawhides, and greenies too. One would think that all of those would suffice his need to chew...apparently not. The two pairs of shoes he got the first week he lived here were ok and understandable, dogs like to chew on smelly ass shoes for some reason. I went and got a bunch of toys and make sure he's not left alone because he has seperation anxiety and if left alone, will find something bad to chew. When I do have to leave him alone his toys get filled with treats and spread out around the room for him to "find and destroy". I haven't had any problems until today when I woke up. Apparently the dog has a thing for hard metal electronics..this is bad..very bad..and could become very expensive.
Luckily my phone I swear is made out of kevlar there was no damage besides the large teeth holes, and destruction of my cell phone case. People have told me I should get a new phone cuz mines "ooold" and I should get a camera phone etc. I think I'll stick with my indestructable one for now. It's made it through a dive to the bottom of a 10 foot pool, twice! A quick jump in the toilet, and I can't even count how many times its fallen from my hand/pocket to the ground and it still works no problem. So I give a big fat no to some tiny fragile camera phone, that has capabilities of a million ringtones and a color display.





















If I had my choice I'd be driving around in a 70's era all steel "boat" of a car, sure parking would be a serious pain in the ass, but if anyone hit me I'd be drivin away as their "crumple car" was being loaded onto the tow truck.

So I'm not exactly a genius...I'm aware of that..But..

when I do something like what I did today I really start to wonder how far down on the I.Q. scale I rank.

I go to the doctor today..in a two story building and my doctor is on the second floor. I notice when I get in the elevator that it says "1" on the big digital display thing. So im like hm..I guess it knows how many ppl are in the elevator..so on my way out of the Dr.s I get in the elevator again and I step back and forth real quick in it thinking it'll make it say theres more people...and so I look like I'm playing imaginary hopscotch in the elevator tryna make it change from 2 to more when it gets to the first floor again and the number on the display changes back to "1". This is whenI realize the big display panel is saying what floor you're on, not how many people are in the friggin elevator..

i hate having to come up with titles...heh i wrote titties the first time

apparently if i get those first three letters out my fingers go on auto-pilot..(just re-read and o.O , that whole sentence just came out...bad...)

anyways...So I have this grand idea to start doing a lesson/s for the week in my blog. It will probably only last for 4 or 5 entries, but maybe I can get in enough of them to stop doing stupid things, repeatedly.

Lessons re-learned this week:
1. Do not stick your fingers near a hand mixer while it is on and the beaters are spinning somewhere around 50 miles an hour.

2. It is NOT a good idea to drink over 32 ounces of juice in one sitting.

3. Having a piece of tobacco in your eye hurts and stings for a long time afterwards, try to avoid this at all costs.

4. When starting a new medication, look up the side effects and be aware if you notice any changes....duh duh duh..*smacks self*

New lessons learned:
1. If your fishing and you notice that all of a sudden you can only cast out 10-15 feet no matter how much weight you put on the end of your line to try and"pull the line out"...It's only casting that far because you've gotten caught on lake junk at least twenty times and cut off your line so now you only have 10-15 feet on your rod :)

2. Making a pair of shoes is not as easy as it seems. Sadly, it will take more than one day to accomplish this.

I'm know there's more but I've taken to the sleeping habits of a dolphin and half of my brain is resting peacefully right now.

I should own stock in Petsmart...

Last month I ran out of money fast...very fast..and couldn't figure out why. I got my ssdi check on the 4th and by the 17th I had 40 dollars left in my account. I've been waiting and waiting to get the bank statement to see where the hell all my money went and well...I need to be banned from going into petsmart alone. In ten days I spent 250$ there. That's not including the vet bills, from the vet inside Petsmart which was only 60$(this time heh). That's also not including things I bought with cash there which *quickly adding in my head* was at least 40-50$. My bank statement in a fucked up way is somewhat amusing to me though. petsmart, cigs, petsmart, petsmart, petsmart, grocery store, petsmart, cigs, cigs, petsmart, banfield(the vet), walmart, petsmart, target.

I was sitting here last night, after a trip to guess where? yep Petsmart, but I was sitting here and I looked up on my desk at the bottle of "Miracle coat leave in conditioner for dogs" and next to it was my bottle of Pantene conditioner for myself (I hadn't put either of them away yet because as soon as I came home I gave Sketch his new toy and was watching him to make sure he didnt destroy and eat it in a matter of seconds) and wondering why I never even second guessed the fact that the dogs' shampoo, leave in conditioner, and food prices are all double what I spend on myself for the same things.

My Pantene I splurge on: $3.50 for shampoo and $3.50 for conditioner
Dog Shampoo: $7.99, Leave-in conditioner: $10.99

My food...well I get 10 dollars in food stamps a month so I'll subtract that out, so food costs me: about 40$ a month (if I'm in a eating mood)
Dog food:50$ for prescription diet food for Lick, Sketchs' "puppy chow" was I think about 25$, Prescription dental diet I mix in with their food 20$ for a total of: 95$ a month

My medical costs: 0$ ....wait wait, I bought a multivitamin for I think it was 7$
Dog medical costs: wellness plan sign-up fees 70$ and 45$(gotta love that huge second pet discount) and monthly payment of 19.95 for Lick and 15.95 for Sketch.

Have I lost my mind? This is only the DOGS!....we could add in the cat food, rat food, fish food, crickets twice a week, mealworms, bedding for rats and lizards, filters for the fish tank, cat litter, Jack needs a dental bad before his teeth start falling out that'll cost around 200$...

No fuckin wonder I'm always broke....

But, even being more aware of it now, (because I also redid my monthly animal care sheet and saw that every freakin day there's always something...at least one of the six tanks to clean, litterboxes to sift, baths to give, nails to trim, dogs to walk/take to the dog park/train, rats to socialize, geckos to socialize, vet trips, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum...I'll still pay the money and I'll still do all the things that need done, cuz even though it may seem completely insane to most people to have one's life revolve around their pets, I love them and they give back to me more then money or my time working with them could ever do.