LOST! sanity; multi-colored & responds to..well nothing thats why it ran away...REWARD for safe return though.

drama filled and somewhat graphic..read at your own risk.


I lost it today..again..fast track to crazy town. I can feel it coming days before it hits its hardest yet theres nothing i can do to stop it. I feel out of control. I walked out of therapy yesterday because I dont cry in front of people. I walked out of group today because again I dont want to cry in front of people. A thousand thoughts and voices screaming and my therapist trying to talk to me and she keeps trying to look at me in the eyes and I look away everytime. I can't look, I don''t want to be seen like this. She leaves me to finish my cigarette and says she'll see me back inside in a few minutes...my mind races, I get in my car grab the knife & clean it off...run my fingers along its edge wondering if its sharp enough to cut through the muscles and everything in my neck. I didn;t notice her come back out but then she was there. I hide the blade in my hand. My immediate thought is if she sees it shes gonna think I'm going to hurt her. We talk..blah blah blah for awhile, cry, blah blah some more..she asks whats gonna make me safe right this minute & i drop the knife she jumps back a little then reaches to grab it i step on it. Eventaully i give he the knife group is over and i sit in myu car for who knows how long trying to settle down mybrain enough to drive home. I dontknow what I did when I got home. I sat with another knife for awhile. I don;t remember calling the crisis line. of what happened from when I got home to when she called me. She told me to do some things and if it gets back up to a 4 out of 5 again on planning/intent to call her back. I cried, I wont go to the hospital. I told her if she sends the crisis team to the house Ill take off. If she sends them and doesnt tell me Ill jump the back wall and take off down the alley. I WONT go to the hospital. She says I need to be safe, I asked her if shes ever been in one, she says not as a patient but shes been to all of them. I felt like screaming safe my ass at her and telling her about sharpening plastic knives on the walls, and yada yada. It isn;t safe there. and theres nothing they can do for me anyways. i cant take any antipsychotics I have paradoxical reactions to the new ones and am allergic to haldol and the others. I;m already on an antidepressant and doing therapyu and group..what can they do for me? whats the point? besides frweakin my family out and my dads neighbor when the damn crisis van shows up..fuck no. Cant do it. wont do it..I drink till I pass out, Ill take meds till I fall asleep,or ill slit my throat. Im not going back EVER.