2005, A Hospital Odd*yssey, part 1
I posted last at 4am on Saturday and was admitted to the ER at around 10 or 11pm the same day. Apparently depression does really suck heh.
I'm not really sure why I did it. When your suicidal you really aren't thinking with any logic I guess. I convinced myself no one cared about me, and that my life was a steaming shit factory that would never get better. I guess I'm still somewhat in that frame of mind. I still think my life is shit and won't get better but I have a tiny sliver of hope, and I don't feel like spending 4 days in the hospital shitting charcoal and having a babysitter. This was by far the crappiest hospital experience I've had yet. It's all kinda fuzzy but I wanna write out what I do remember and what I've been told about it cuz I'll forget in a few months and maybe I can look back to this post to remind myself how I don't wanna ever be there again.
2 cop cars, a fire truck and an ambulance all came screaming onto my street. My poor brother was across the street at his friends hanging out in the driveway and they were joking around when they heard the sirens saying oh shit the cops are coming for you and laughing. They all stopped in front of my house and they were still laughing saying that old fat bitch (my neighbor) probably fell and couldn't get up. Then they all headed into my house and my brother came running across the street in a panic. I remember telling the crisis people on the phone that I was going to walk to the store, that I didn't want them coming to my house and freaking out my family and have the neighbors all knowing. I tried, I stumbled around for my cell phone and went to leave but the cops held me at the door. I don't know who was asking me the questions, it seems like my eyes were closed the whole time. I drank charcoal, and they laughed saying noone ever drinks that crap and I was chugging it down. I thought it tasted bad but also thought it was a cookies and cream milkshake at the same time and I was hungry/thirsty for anything. I asked for more and there was more laughing. Then I was in the air I didn't feel them holding me up at all then my body slammed down on the cot thing.
In the ambulance I still don't remember seeing anything, a man said I'm going to use the biggest catheter we have cuz this is crap! I told him I know you guys hate people like me, and that it didn't hurt anyways, I tried saying more but my words wouldn't come out right. I tried asking for a cigarette over and over my mouth wouldn't cooperate with my brain. I assume the same man asked "are you going to fight?" and I said "I'm a lover not a fighter" and tried to sing.."I'm a lover and I'm a sinner I play my music in the sun..sure dont want to hurt noone.." Who knows if any of it came out right.
Picked up and slammed into another bed, bright lights, and a thousand voices talking, asking, yelling. I heard "have fun with her" and "bradycardia". I said "brady runs slow cuz hes fat and glue gets tacky fast" (something I had made up while in vet tech school so I could remember the difference between bradycardia being slow and tachycardia being fast) I said it over and over thinking I had to remind everyone which was which.
I woke up and looked around, my mom was there. I told her half yelling to go home and be with my brothers where she belonged, that they needed her right now, they were probably at home freaking out! Why the fuck are you here?! A nurse yelled at me not to use that language and I said make her go home and be a mom then. Another nurse who would become my "sitter" said make who go home? I looked around again and my mom was gone. Apparently I had passed out while telling her to go home and woke back up thinking she was still there. My "sitter" asked me if I knew where I was, I said "Del Webb..web..web..Webb's spiderweb that said some pig" after I said it I thought to myself what the fuck am I saying? All my logical thinking felt like it was locked up and something else was controlling my actions. I could think, and I knew that I wasn't making sense but I was trapped inside this body I couldn't control from saying and doing dumb things. I knew I was sick but I kept trying to sit up and leave. I asked to smoke over and over, the nurse would say no, but I couldn't stop my mouth from repeating over and over "can I smoke now?"
A man and woman came in with a portable X-ray machine and told me there were there to do a chest x-ray. I asked what for and they said becasue the doctor ordered it and I asked but what for? and they said can you just lean back against this, be quiet and take a deep breath? Again, logically I knew they would have no idea why they were taking the radiographs, but I couldn't control my stupidity from taking over.
I'm not really sure why I did it. When your suicidal you really aren't thinking with any logic I guess. I convinced myself no one cared about me, and that my life was a steaming shit factory that would never get better. I guess I'm still somewhat in that frame of mind. I still think my life is shit and won't get better but I have a tiny sliver of hope, and I don't feel like spending 4 days in the hospital shitting charcoal and having a babysitter. This was by far the crappiest hospital experience I've had yet. It's all kinda fuzzy but I wanna write out what I do remember and what I've been told about it cuz I'll forget in a few months and maybe I can look back to this post to remind myself how I don't wanna ever be there again.
2 cop cars, a fire truck and an ambulance all came screaming onto my street. My poor brother was across the street at his friends hanging out in the driveway and they were joking around when they heard the sirens saying oh shit the cops are coming for you and laughing. They all stopped in front of my house and they were still laughing saying that old fat bitch (my neighbor) probably fell and couldn't get up. Then they all headed into my house and my brother came running across the street in a panic. I remember telling the crisis people on the phone that I was going to walk to the store, that I didn't want them coming to my house and freaking out my family and have the neighbors all knowing. I tried, I stumbled around for my cell phone and went to leave but the cops held me at the door. I don't know who was asking me the questions, it seems like my eyes were closed the whole time. I drank charcoal, and they laughed saying noone ever drinks that crap and I was chugging it down. I thought it tasted bad but also thought it was a cookies and cream milkshake at the same time and I was hungry/thirsty for anything. I asked for more and there was more laughing. Then I was in the air I didn't feel them holding me up at all then my body slammed down on the cot thing.
In the ambulance I still don't remember seeing anything, a man said I'm going to use the biggest catheter we have cuz this is crap! I told him I know you guys hate people like me, and that it didn't hurt anyways, I tried saying more but my words wouldn't come out right. I tried asking for a cigarette over and over my mouth wouldn't cooperate with my brain. I assume the same man asked "are you going to fight?" and I said "I'm a lover not a fighter" and tried to sing.."I'm a lover and I'm a sinner I play my music in the sun..sure dont want to hurt noone.." Who knows if any of it came out right.
Picked up and slammed into another bed, bright lights, and a thousand voices talking, asking, yelling. I heard "have fun with her" and "bradycardia". I said "brady runs slow cuz hes fat and glue gets tacky fast" (something I had made up while in vet tech school so I could remember the difference between bradycardia being slow and tachycardia being fast) I said it over and over thinking I had to remind everyone which was which.
I woke up and looked around, my mom was there. I told her half yelling to go home and be with my brothers where she belonged, that they needed her right now, they were probably at home freaking out! Why the fuck are you here?! A nurse yelled at me not to use that language and I said make her go home and be a mom then. Another nurse who would become my "sitter" said make who go home? I looked around again and my mom was gone. Apparently I had passed out while telling her to go home and woke back up thinking she was still there. My "sitter" asked me if I knew where I was, I said "Del Webb..web..web..Webb's spiderweb that said some pig" after I said it I thought to myself what the fuck am I saying? All my logical thinking felt like it was locked up and something else was controlling my actions. I could think, and I knew that I wasn't making sense but I was trapped inside this body I couldn't control from saying and doing dumb things. I knew I was sick but I kept trying to sit up and leave. I asked to smoke over and over, the nurse would say no, but I couldn't stop my mouth from repeating over and over "can I smoke now?"
A man and woman came in with a portable X-ray machine and told me there were there to do a chest x-ray. I asked what for and they said becasue the doctor ordered it and I asked but what for? and they said can you just lean back against this, be quiet and take a deep breath? Again, logically I knew they would have no idea why they were taking the radiographs, but I couldn't control my stupidity from taking over.
posted by themadhatter at 10:41 AM
3 Comments:
i m glad u r here now n i can't belive u drank that shit but it comes in strawberry flavour now 2
strawberry flavored charcoal eh?...seems like it would be worse then just the charcoal to me..but then again i chugged the shit so..yah..
I am so glad you are ok
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