3 am, bang bang bang, hey umm..sorry fer wakin u but, yer house is on fire..
Interesting day/night guess ill start at the beginning and if yer really interested in hearing why the title youll have to read thru or jus skip downto the **part. the rest is just my ramblings of insanity as usual. nothin to see here move on down to the ** stuf
woke up this mornin at around 6:30ish, woke up and was wide awake. Startin doin some yard work, hoping the battery operated weed eater would work after charging all day and the lil green button on it said charged so i went out there to trim up the yard and the dam piece of crap wont cut the grass. It has no power whatsoever I in my genius mind decide to check and see how powerful it is because maybe im not using it right and stick my hand down there when its on. Apparently it's strong enough to cut flesh but not grass heh. Kinda reminded me of the whole hand mixer incident...sometimes I can be very umm..whats the word...stupid! anyhow I proceed to rip out the weeds in the cracked concrete and sweep up the edges of where the gfrass meeets the concrete around the pool..I guess my dad jus waters all the grass/dirt/whatever into the grass edge there cuz good god it took hours. I was sweating like a lobster above a pot of boiling water. Pretty damn disgusting jus dripping in sweat. I go take a shower cuz im nasty, third one in two days. Have no idea what I did for the next I dunno 3-4 hours. I like"come back around" i guess and think where the fuck am i what the fuck is going on, takes awhile to realize where i am who i am etc. Is a very scary feeling. Then I go look around to see If I've done anything during my diassociation (no i dont have DID or multiple personalities etc. I don't even believe in that really, but disassociation where I'm just not in the present moment who knows where I am.) Everyone does it, for me it's just more intense. "Normal" people disassociating: theyre driving their car and thinking about something else for a few minutes and then next thing they know they snap back and have passed where they were going, me disassociating: I lose hours, I do things I'm not aware of, I write things, move things, talk to people I don't know/recognize and not knowing who I am or where I'm at. A few times I've cooked meals while this is going on, only to "snap back" hours later and see a bunch of food and wonder where the fuck it came from. When I come back around to earth I have to check myself for cuts, burns etc. cuz i've done that before too before. How's that for a nice world to come back to, the first fifteen minutes trying to calm myself down and look around realize where I'm at, what time it is, quick body check and then go looking around for things I've done. I made food today I never ate. I wrote things down pages of stuff that doesnt make much sense, bits and pieces thrown together. I wrote stuff down in latin, and changed my message on my phone to me tryna speak spanish.
It scares the fuck outta me. I came back around tonite around 9 took my meds and put in a movie, bad choice in movie. this kid gets called faget repeatedly. Voices are back loud again. kill yerself faget, you spread disease..etc etc etc. I call my therapist, yet again, shes gotta really be sick of me and my nuttiness. I have an appointment with her tomorrow now so we can "address all this in person" meaning: she wants to how assess my mental stability and see if she should be calling the white wagon for my ass.
On to the night, She tells me to listen to music to drown out the voices and try to sleep. I actaully fell asleep pretty quick around 1130ish. Get a call at 2 somethin I dreamt i answered it and was talking to them but the phone rang again and I realized i was talking outloud to noone heh. anyhow we talk for awhile then my battery dies cuz cell ophone batteries suck donkey dong and my therapist is supposed to call me at 7 to tell me when to come in so i need the ophone charged and i wasnt done talking to who i was talking to so i throw some pants on and get in the car and use the car charger it seems to work fdaster and go haulin ass down the freeway thinking the faster i go the more power it must send right? i turn off the ac dont use the radio, dim all the interior lights cuz of course thisll make it charge faster in my braniac mind. who knows if it did or not. i also stop and turn the car off and on a few times thinking the power surge will charge it qjuicker. i stop at a few gas station to see if they have phone cards so i can finish my convo, but of course they dont and i give up and head home.
****i pull into the driveway turn to shut the door and i see flames coming from a house on the next street over, jump back in the car pull up to their house and go bangin on the door to wake the people up. I can't see anything theres black smoke everywhere and its like 4 am dark as all hell still the front door is open but its got a outer screen type metal door thats locked so i cant jus go runnin in there. bang some more a dog comes up barking at me. I start to think the house is abandoned and start looking around for windows to break cuz im sure as shit not gonna let this dog die. finally a little boy comes to the door im guessing around 7 and i tell him to wake up his mom i think his house is on fire. theres some shuffling around i cant see inside at all. then she finally comes to the door, crying, upset, shaking. I ask her if shw knows her house is on fire she says its the backyard her boyfriend and buddies set it on fire as a threat. Her words are coming out only in pieces. I hear, boyfriend, threats, stolen tv and couch. whats he want from me i have nothing he sold my car we have no phone i cna barely feed my kids. he didnt use to be this way. I ask her if shes gonna be safe staying there tonite and offer to let her come stay here. she says she'll be safe, its just threats(im still not understanding why her boyfriend and father of the two children is threatning her with setting the backyard on fire but ok) a few minnutes later a guy drives by and yells out hey yer house is on fire haha -one of her boyfriends buddies. I raise my eyes a little and say again you sure you feel safe here tonite?..shes crying saying yah we'll be fine..i want to leave but my kids love there dad. i dunno what to do. I give her a few more cigarettes for the nite, round up her dog for her and tell her i hope the rest of her nite goes calmly and head back home. I'm gonna try and find some info pamphlets etc on shelters I know some of them even accept pets, and stop by her house tomorrow basically just to check on her. maybe her bf will be there and i can smack him in the nuts witha baseball bat for endangering his kids and gfs life. Odd night..and I fell in love with her dog heh. looked like a ridgeback/pitbull mix, very protective but warmed up to me quickly and was even jumpin on me to get petted heh. Was a definite sweety.
So now its 5:30 my therapist is supposed to call at around 630-7 to let me know when to come in tomorrow, Im kinda tired but I got like an hour till shes supposed to call, and when she calls she'll either tell me to come in at 8 am or 1 pm...choices choices...I hate making choices.
woke up this mornin at around 6:30ish, woke up and was wide awake. Startin doin some yard work, hoping the battery operated weed eater would work after charging all day and the lil green button on it said charged so i went out there to trim up the yard and the dam piece of crap wont cut the grass. It has no power whatsoever I in my genius mind decide to check and see how powerful it is because maybe im not using it right and stick my hand down there when its on. Apparently it's strong enough to cut flesh but not grass heh. Kinda reminded me of the whole hand mixer incident...sometimes I can be very umm..whats the word...stupid! anyhow I proceed to rip out the weeds in the cracked concrete and sweep up the edges of where the gfrass meeets the concrete around the pool..I guess my dad jus waters all the grass/dirt/whatever into the grass edge there cuz good god it took hours. I was sweating like a lobster above a pot of boiling water. Pretty damn disgusting jus dripping in sweat. I go take a shower cuz im nasty, third one in two days. Have no idea what I did for the next I dunno 3-4 hours. I like"come back around" i guess and think where the fuck am i what the fuck is going on, takes awhile to realize where i am who i am etc. Is a very scary feeling. Then I go look around to see If I've done anything during my diassociation (no i dont have DID or multiple personalities etc. I don't even believe in that really, but disassociation where I'm just not in the present moment who knows where I am.) Everyone does it, for me it's just more intense. "Normal" people disassociating: theyre driving their car and thinking about something else for a few minutes and then next thing they know they snap back and have passed where they were going, me disassociating: I lose hours, I do things I'm not aware of, I write things, move things, talk to people I don't know/recognize and not knowing who I am or where I'm at. A few times I've cooked meals while this is going on, only to "snap back" hours later and see a bunch of food and wonder where the fuck it came from. When I come back around to earth I have to check myself for cuts, burns etc. cuz i've done that before too before. How's that for a nice world to come back to, the first fifteen minutes trying to calm myself down and look around realize where I'm at, what time it is, quick body check and then go looking around for things I've done. I made food today I never ate. I wrote things down pages of stuff that doesnt make much sense, bits and pieces thrown together. I wrote stuff down in latin, and changed my message on my phone to me tryna speak spanish.
It scares the fuck outta me. I came back around tonite around 9 took my meds and put in a movie, bad choice in movie. this kid gets called faget repeatedly. Voices are back loud again. kill yerself faget, you spread disease..etc etc etc. I call my therapist, yet again, shes gotta really be sick of me and my nuttiness. I have an appointment with her tomorrow now so we can "address all this in person" meaning: she wants to how assess my mental stability and see if she should be calling the white wagon for my ass.
On to the night, She tells me to listen to music to drown out the voices and try to sleep. I actaully fell asleep pretty quick around 1130ish. Get a call at 2 somethin I dreamt i answered it and was talking to them but the phone rang again and I realized i was talking outloud to noone heh. anyhow we talk for awhile then my battery dies cuz cell ophone batteries suck donkey dong and my therapist is supposed to call me at 7 to tell me when to come in so i need the ophone charged and i wasnt done talking to who i was talking to so i throw some pants on and get in the car and use the car charger it seems to work fdaster and go haulin ass down the freeway thinking the faster i go the more power it must send right? i turn off the ac dont use the radio, dim all the interior lights cuz of course thisll make it charge faster in my braniac mind. who knows if it did or not. i also stop and turn the car off and on a few times thinking the power surge will charge it qjuicker. i stop at a few gas station to see if they have phone cards so i can finish my convo, but of course they dont and i give up and head home.
****i pull into the driveway turn to shut the door and i see flames coming from a house on the next street over, jump back in the car pull up to their house and go bangin on the door to wake the people up. I can't see anything theres black smoke everywhere and its like 4 am dark as all hell still the front door is open but its got a outer screen type metal door thats locked so i cant jus go runnin in there. bang some more a dog comes up barking at me. I start to think the house is abandoned and start looking around for windows to break cuz im sure as shit not gonna let this dog die. finally a little boy comes to the door im guessing around 7 and i tell him to wake up his mom i think his house is on fire. theres some shuffling around i cant see inside at all. then she finally comes to the door, crying, upset, shaking. I ask her if shw knows her house is on fire she says its the backyard her boyfriend and buddies set it on fire as a threat. Her words are coming out only in pieces. I hear, boyfriend, threats, stolen tv and couch. whats he want from me i have nothing he sold my car we have no phone i cna barely feed my kids. he didnt use to be this way. I ask her if shes gonna be safe staying there tonite and offer to let her come stay here. she says she'll be safe, its just threats(im still not understanding why her boyfriend and father of the two children is threatning her with setting the backyard on fire but ok) a few minnutes later a guy drives by and yells out hey yer house is on fire haha -one of her boyfriends buddies. I raise my eyes a little and say again you sure you feel safe here tonite?..shes crying saying yah we'll be fine..i want to leave but my kids love there dad. i dunno what to do. I give her a few more cigarettes for the nite, round up her dog for her and tell her i hope the rest of her nite goes calmly and head back home. I'm gonna try and find some info pamphlets etc on shelters I know some of them even accept pets, and stop by her house tomorrow basically just to check on her. maybe her bf will be there and i can smack him in the nuts witha baseball bat for endangering his kids and gfs life. Odd night..and I fell in love with her dog heh. looked like a ridgeback/pitbull mix, very protective but warmed up to me quickly and was even jumpin on me to get petted heh. Was a definite sweety.
So now its 5:30 my therapist is supposed to call at around 630-7 to let me know when to come in tomorrow, Im kinda tired but I got like an hour till shes supposed to call, and when she calls she'll either tell me to come in at 8 am or 1 pm...choices choices...I hate making choices.
posted by themadhatter at 4:05 AM
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