hospital oddyssey part 2

The next day/night? I was moved from the ICU to a regular room. I had a "sitter" the whole time and couldn't be further then an arms length away from them, which really sucks when you wanna piss, brush yer teeth, just be alone etc. and wasn't allowed to go smoke. The logic behind that I still don't understand.

At some point a psychiatrist came in and asked me questions, I don't remember the convo, just have her medical notes in my paperwork. Apparently I told her I smoke weed and get drunk at least twice a week. Both untrue and I tried to argue with another psychiatrist days later about it but his opinion was "that because I was still under the influence of meds/drugs I was uninhibited and my statements were therefore more honest". Bullshit, but whatever.

My case manager also came in, and some lady from Value Options. Don't remember those convos really either, just bits and pieces. Why do all these people think I'm going to be able to have a cognizant conversation after an OD and no sleep (except the few short periods of passing out) ?

To you, cuz I know you'll still read this...

5 days ago makin me tags, sendin me pics, and sayin goodnite sweetie, then you disappear for 3 days. I call, try to email, worried sick about u..then today your bitch-ass "girlfriend" answers the phone and tells me you don't wanna talk to me?

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ~ad nauseum

RIP great-grandma Helen

That summers memories of you.. when me and nikki were kids..at the zoo digging up bones..back when you were getting around good..in your apartment and I was obsessed/fascinated with your wind-up coo-coo clock. Memories burned in my head forever..though some of the reasoning behind us being there was bad, I still remember my time with you very clearly and with happiness. I thank you for that.

what to do what to do...

I got my check for around 2200 dollars for my car, spent 300 something fixing moms car, and some other crap I don't remember but now I'm sitting with around 1800$ in the bank. I need a car, I also need to pay off my credit card, and then there's the usual bills, and student loans that have been in deferrment for years now. My brother told me tonight that the house payment is 3,000$ behind and the bank is about to foreclose. My mom fails to mention this stuff..always. Last minute everything with her until it's too late. I'm pretty sure this is what she wants anyways, it'll be her excuse of why she has to move to Iowa.

So do I give mom all my car money to pay off some off the house payment and delay the inevitable? Do I pay off the 1100$ credit card mess in hopes that it will improve my credit so I have a chance at getting my own apartment? Even if I get my own apartment, I'll have to give up the animals; the only things that make me happy consistently everyday. Just the thought makes my chest feel like theres a ton of bricks on it and I'm tired of fighting back tears.

I lay outside on the swing for an hour thinking what do I do? Heh, just remember I need 100 something dollars for traffic school too. I need money -fast. Sell drugs? no. Prostitution? damn, I wish I was good looking enough. Sell/Pawn everything I own? everything I own "if" I could even sell it wouldn't add up to more then a few hundred dollars.

Move in with my grandma?dad? I lose my animals. I leave my brothers. WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

When can I wave my white flag?

another survey..im bored

1. Spell your first name backwards: eman tsrif ruoy
2. Story behind your name: which one? my birth name? i guess my Mom liked it?
3. How old are you: 23
4. Where do you live: Surprise

DESCRIBE YOUR:
5. Wallet: I have a lil plaid thing with pages for notes and phone numbers and a few card slots but i never take it with me,I prefer my pockets. Plus after my moms whole wallet thing I refuse to carry more of my stuff around then I'm gonna actually use that day.
6. Hairbrush: I have 2 I use, one is styling product use free.
7. Toothbrush: 2, an electric one that I keep forgetting/not bothering to plug in so it's not charged and a reg one thats all curved and stuff that I've been using lately
8. Jewelry worn daily: Rainbow friendship bracelet type thing I made, a lil hemp anklet with blue beads, and a anklet with rainbow beads around my left ankle, a rainbow colored friendship bracelet someone gave me and another hemp anklet with bigger blue beads on the right ankle, rainbow bead thing around my wrist and I used to have my fav necklace but I lost it when camping :( so I started wearing my other necklace with pride beads on it...yep..blue beads, hemp, and rainbows, why wear anything else? Why I wear so much pride stuff and have no pride I dunno..
10. Pillow cover: Red on my main pillow blue on the others
13. Sunglasses: my big blue ones
14. Favorite shirt: my plain grey ones
15. Cologne/Perfume: Poeme...i ran out of it and dunno where to get anymore, so I stink now :(
16. CD in your stereo right now: a mix cd a friend made for me
17. Piercings: Just the eyebrow so far
18. What you are wearing now: black tank top and green plaid sleeppants
19. Wishing: deperately for something good to happen
20. Wanting: someone to hug
21. After this: a cigarette?
22. If you could get away with murder, who would it be? I plead the fifth
23. Person you wish you could see right now: I have a few people in mind
24. Some of your favorite movies: Alice in Wonderland of course, Foxfire, Dogma, and uhhh my porn collection...just kidding. I'm a good girl, I wouldn't have that kinda stuff. :)
25. Something you're looking forward to in the coming month: hanging with friends
26. The last thing you ate: Frankenberry cereal and it was MMMMMM so friggin good
27. Something that you are deathly afraid of: dunno
28. Do you like candles: Yah, ty Kris for adding to the obsession :P
29. Do you like incense: not the crappy kind I bought, but some of it yes
30. Do you like the taste of blood: what kinda crack-head ass question is this?
31. Do you believe in love: Yes
33. Do you believe in love at first sight: Yes
34. Do you believe in Heaven: not sure
35. Do you believe in God: specify "God"?
36. What do you want done with your body when you die: donate it, feed it to lions, throw it in the ocean, I don't care I'll be dead.
37. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be: a anteater lol
38. What is the longest you've ever stayed up? hard one..I think the longest was 4 days, but I stay up for a few days pretty often, though it's been awhile.
39. Can you eat with chopsticks: Yep
40. What's your favorite coin: ummmm...I guess the dollar one?
41. What are some of your favorite candies: reese's pieces
42. What's something that you wish people would understand about you: only one?? shit, um..I guess that I fuck up alot of stuff, but I try really hard to get things right
43. What's something you wish you could understand better: people heh
44. Who is someone that you really wish was still around: all the people i knew that died from OD's
45. Who are your best friends? all my friends are my best friends
46. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: no...::whines::
47. Longest relationship: N/A
48. How many actual relationships have you been in : none that I count
49. How many people have you kissed: ::counting::..4..i think..must not have been very good since I can't remember
50. Are you shy around your crush: very
51. Still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with: hmm..dunno how to answer that, so I won't
52. Do you know what it feels like to be in love: Yep
53. Would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends: Of course

f a s h i o n s t u f f
54. Where is your favorite place to shop: Petsmart heh
55. Have any tattoos: not yet
56. What is your favorite thing to wear: tank tops, and baggy jeans
57. What is a must have accessory: does a cell phone count as an accessory?
58. How much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing: 50 bucks on a pair of shoes for work
60. Who is the least fashionable person you know: myself
61. Do you match your belt with your hair color: no, is it supposed to? Hope not cuz I don't plan on dying my hair blue anytime soon.
62. What is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good: ?
64. How many pairs of shoes do you own: just my 50$ work sneakers and my dollar store flip flops
65. What is the worst trend you see today: the stick-figure skinny look

s p e c i f i c s
1. Do you do drugs: Only the prescribed ones
2. What kind of shampoo do you use: Pantene, or the lavender scent baby hair and body stuff
4. What are you listening to right now: Alt nation on Sirius radio, its playin Nirvana :D :D :D
5. Who was the last person that called: Stacie
6. Where do you want to get married: outside somewhere, haven't thought about it too much since it's illegal
7. How many buddies are online right now: 2, one has been away for a long time though (I'm pretty sure they're sleeping)
8. What would you change about yourself: can we just leave it at alot?
9. What are essentials in your life: water, food and shelter is nice
10. If you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be: It's too late to be thinking that hard
12. Do you send out holiday cards each year? lol...no

C U R R E N T
1. Hair: messy as usual
2. make-up: hell no
3. music: uh...alt nation still
4. mood: good question.."unstable" fits