boom..doesnt even look that bad..but...its totalled out

my porr lil baby : (

2005, A Hospital Odd*yssey, part 1

I posted last at 4am on Saturday and was admitted to the ER at around 10 or 11pm the same day. Apparently depression does really suck heh.

I'm not really sure why I did it. When your suicidal you really aren't thinking with any logic I guess. I convinced myself no one cared about me, and that my life was a steaming shit factory that would never get better. I guess I'm still somewhat in that frame of mind. I still think my life is shit and won't get better but I have a tiny sliver of hope, and I don't feel like spending 4 days in the hospital shitting charcoal and having a babysitter. This was by far the crappiest hospital experience I've had yet. It's all kinda fuzzy but I wanna write out what I do remember and what I've been told about it cuz I'll forget in a few months and maybe I can look back to this post to remind myself how I don't wanna ever be there again.

2 cop cars, a fire truck and an ambulance all came screaming onto my street. My poor brother was across the street at his friends hanging out in the driveway and they were joking around when they heard the sirens saying oh shit the cops are coming for you and laughing. They all stopped in front of my house and they were still laughing saying that old fat bitch (my neighbor) probably fell and couldn't get up. Then they all headed into my house and my brother came running across the street in a panic. I remember telling the crisis people on the phone that I was going to walk to the store, that I didn't want them coming to my house and freaking out my family and have the neighbors all knowing. I tried, I stumbled around for my cell phone and went to leave but the cops held me at the door. I don't know who was asking me the questions, it seems like my eyes were closed the whole time. I drank charcoal, and they laughed saying noone ever drinks that crap and I was chugging it down. I thought it tasted bad but also thought it was a cookies and cream milkshake at the same time and I was hungry/thirsty for anything. I asked for more and there was more laughing. Then I was in the air I didn't feel them holding me up at all then my body slammed down on the cot thing.

In the ambulance I still don't remember seeing anything, a man said I'm going to use the biggest catheter we have cuz this is crap! I told him I know you guys hate people like me, and that it didn't hurt anyways, I tried saying more but my words wouldn't come out right. I tried asking for a cigarette over and over my mouth wouldn't cooperate with my brain. I assume the same man asked "are you going to fight?" and I said "I'm a lover not a fighter" and tried to sing.."I'm a lover and I'm a sinner I play my music in the sun..sure dont want to hurt noone.." Who knows if any of it came out right.

Picked up and slammed into another bed, bright lights, and a thousand voices talking, asking, yelling. I heard "have fun with her" and "bradycardia". I said "brady runs slow cuz hes fat and glue gets tacky fast" (something I had made up while in vet tech school so I could remember the difference between bradycardia being slow and tachycardia being fast) I said it over and over thinking I had to remind everyone which was which.

I woke up and looked around, my mom was there. I told her half yelling to go home and be with my brothers where she belonged, that they needed her right now, they were probably at home freaking out! Why the fuck are you here?! A nurse yelled at me not to use that language and I said make her go home and be a mom then. Another nurse who would become my "sitter" said make who go home? I looked around again and my mom was gone. Apparently I had passed out while telling her to go home and woke back up thinking she was still there. My "sitter" asked me if I knew where I was, I said "Del Webb..web..web..Webb's spiderweb that said some pig" after I said it I thought to myself what the fuck am I saying? All my logical thinking felt like it was locked up and something else was controlling my actions. I could think, and I knew that I wasn't making sense but I was trapped inside this body I couldn't control from saying and doing dumb things. I knew I was sick but I kept trying to sit up and leave. I asked to smoke over and over, the nurse would say no, but I couldn't stop my mouth from repeating over and over "can I smoke now?"

A man and woman came in with a portable X-ray machine and told me there were there to do a chest x-ray. I asked what for and they said becasue the doctor ordered it and I asked but what for? and they said can you just lean back against this, be quiet and take a deep breath? Again, logically I knew they would have no idea why they were taking the radiographs, but I couldn't control my stupidity from taking over.

depression sucks

I miss myself..

I'm actually getting to the point where I'm seriously debating going in-patient. That's what everyone is recommending and with my last few attempts at "clearing my head" not helping at all; I don't know what to do anymore. My mom is even saying maybe I should go when before she had always said no, no, no, it only made you worse last time.

I just keep hoping it will go away..that something will just snap in my head and I'll be ok, that the med combo will kick in all of a sudden. Even though logically I know that I've been on this med combo for at least 3 months and if it hasn't made it better yet, it's not going to. Just been slowly getting worse and worse. Now at the point where I look at suicide as a good option I'm scared. Waking up and having it be on my mind and it sits there all day, voices throwing their two cents in telling me to do it and how I should..they're always so helpful. =

The doctor says med-wise he is out of ideas and that hopefully with therapy and just getting used to how life is now that I'll hopefully be able to go back to work and be self-sufficient again. Hmm...I've heard voices and had mood problems since I was in 2nd-3rd grade and I never got "used to how life is now". Makes me think whats the point? and oh yes, one of my favorite movie quotes pops in my head. "...is this really as good as it gets?"

homophobia

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

I am a young 16 year old man who is confused on what to do because i know that homosexuality is wrong.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors on me because i kept practicing homosexuality.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

yah..this doesn;t make any logical sense..

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..its been awhile

..since i could hold my head up high, and it's been awhile since i said im sorry...

Looks like its been around 2 weeks since i posted last. Didn't seem that long. I was house/cat-sitting last week for a family friend and overall had a good time. I played with the cat alot, worked on some paintings, the womans' computer, and the filtering ability of my kidneys and liver. The kidneys and liver seem to still be working at 100% which is good i guess. Most of the time I was laying on the couch trying to psyche myself up to do something, anything..like move my fat ass from the couch. Thursday I finally got my crap together enough to venture out into the world and went to the art museum. I decided alot of their "art" is crap, I don't care for surrealism much and i really really hate anything by Monet.

I got into a car accident on friday...my car is trashed...my family all depends on my car because the other two dont work and we havent had the money to fix them. So I decide I'm going to take what little money i have and fix the one so its at least driveable....but..then some more shit from the giant shit dropping fairy in the sky happens, my moms wallet got stolen or lost..she doesnt know. She carried everything in it, ID, social securty card, all her credit cards, and debit cards for the bank. She calls and freezes her bank account immediately. So I say umm mom if you froze your account, doesn't that mean they froze mine too?? (my money goes to her name but a seperate account because im a fuckin nut, but its my money..anyways) mom says "hmm i dunno"..calls are made..my account is frozen too now. She has no way of proving who she is to the bank so i cant get my money...FUCK!

no cars, no available money, i have 5 million things i have to do in the next 3 days and she just says i dunno what im gonna do and went to bed.

i dunno what im gonna do either but i think ill start with testing out the filtering ability of my kidneys and liver again, and do time studies of how long it takes for my blood to clot.

yes im sick...i dont care

I got tagged -my ten turn-ons and ten turn-offs

turn-ons...in no particular order
1. sensitive
2. sexy eyes
3. cute accents
4. intelligence
5. animal lovers-and no, i don't mean beastiality
6. artistic/creative women
7. breasts heh of course
8. will let me play with her body for hours, painting it, examining their hands, listening to their heart etc.
9. long dark hair
10. good sense of humor always important

turn offs- again no particular order
1. women obsessed with money
2. " that don't like animals
3. loud obnoxious types
4. prissy, spoiled, daddy's lil girl types
5. judgemental, racist, sexist,etc
6. dishonesty
7. women that are obsessed with schedules and can't do anything spur of the moment
8. angry women
9. women already in relationships...heh
10 women that can't accept my insanity

Sati is tickling my neck and playing with the hair on the back of my head..

ok so the title is not really a title but oh well. I'm sitting here trying not to laugh or jerk as she works through my hair looking for who knows what, I want her to be comfortable being held and around people so yah..anyways..She got so big in like a week I swear shes huge now. wel not huige but just bigger then before. Shes scared of the keyboard clicking. shell come down my chest to it but then if i hit a key too hard she runs back up on my shoulder. I love my collection of furry creatures. and the not furry ones too. which brings me to the whole point of whats on my mind lately.

I can't stand being at home. 5 minutes of it feels like I've been through the stress/emotional/insanity grinder and came out the other side as bits and pieces of myself. So I went camping, I had to get away. Either that or the hospital and well. I wont, will not, never, etc. go to the hospital again so..a camping i went. by myself, in a dispersed campsite so the closest people were two miles away. My birthday was on sunday

**** k.unttttttttt.o -ok so when my animals decide to walk across the keyboard and spit out random letters I just delete them and go on with what i was doing but Sati did this one and just the combo of letters when I looked up had me crackin up. apparently she thinks im a kunt, she needs to work on her spelling i guess lol***

back to what i was saying my bday was on sunday my dad had left on voicemail on my cell a few days before and asked if we wanted to come over cook out etc. I called him back said that sounded good and he asked what time and a couple more questions i forget but pretty much sounded like he didn't wanna do it at all. So of course I felt bad and yada yada, I run to the mountains. I didn't want to leave but saturday night they started calling telling me i "have" to come. : / So i drag my ass back down outta my perfect serene happy place into "Dramaville, 85374"

I come home the house is trashed as usual, rather then clean out there my mom decided she would rather pick up my room (which really means, lets go snoop through candaces stuff) The computer monitor is broken, my mom let my 5 year old nephew unattended in my room to play games and now the screen is dead. The unattended part is what really amazes me I look around my desk right now and there is at least 5 pill bottles, scissors, miscellaneous pills jus sitting, then my animals my fish he likes to feed by dumping hte whole bottle of food in and the lizards he likes to give heart attacks to by pounding on the glass for them to come out so he can see them. I love my nephew don't get me wrong I like spending time with him and I'll let him feed the fish play on the puter, play with the lizards etc. ATTENDED though.

I asked my mom if she would take care of my animals while I was gone, she said no problem. I made out very detailed lists of everything that needed done everyday for all of them. I asked her she said yes, did she do any of it? no. I would've asked one of my brothers or taken them to my sisters if she didn't want to but she said she would do it. So now all the lizards have gone a week without food the store doesnt get crickets in until tomorrow. The Anole cage flooded for some reason and she threw in dirt(from who knows where) instead of bark chips even though i specifically said use the bark chips if you add too much water in my directions. My dog looks like he's gained ten pounds in the 4 days i was gone, I asked if she fed him right she swears she did, but she also denies feeding him the dozen eggs a few months ago even though my sister was there and says she did. She never bothered turning the fish light on and admits to forgetting to feed them for a few days. And the geckos had no water at all. So much for taking care of the animals eh.

So I'd like to go camping again, I need to go camping again, but what about my animals? besides the fact she can't take care of them like supposed to, I miss them tons when I'm gone. I'm gonna be house sitting next week, which is ok beause i can drive back and forth a few times to come see/check on them all. but i dunno. Basically it all comes down to:

I need my own place. A place I can have my zoo without my family around to drive me nuts. Where I can do what I wanna do when I wanna do it and not be asked 5 million fucking questions about it. Thats enough bitchin for now I think.

oh and my case manager finaly called me while i was camping...a week after i said i was gonna off myself..she asked how i was...i laughed...thanks for nothing beeeeotch! she did tell me i should come in asap to see the dr and possibly go inpatient but definetly do day treatment kinda stuff. I agreed to call her when I got back into town. I think I'll wait a week or more..I really don't fuckin care. If I wanna die, I'm gonna do it. Doesn't matter where I'm at, contrary to all their opinions it's very easy to kill yourself in the hospital so basically..the case manager and dr's can bite me..

two choices:
1. camping-sleeping under the stars, physical labor that I love, showering in nature, watching the wild animals, the clouds, the weather, feeling peaceful.
or
2. hospi-inpatient or outpatient- being poked and prodded and given medications I don't want. Being forced to do things I don't want to do. Deignated smoke times/bedtimes/eating times/showering times/group times. I hate that shit. I hate schedules. I'm 23 years old and yer gonna tell when to eat, smoke, piss,shower and go to bed? FUCK that!

Quite an easy decision don't ya think?