why the fuck? and other randomness

does this thing take like 2 hours to show posts, changes, comments etc.???? grrrs

the group, being gay, and self-hate

So i guess im "butch" whatever that means... i think im just me..Im comfortable with baggy jeans and tshirts and my hair is short now and i walk talk and think like a guy. I tried changing. Years and years i tried hiding it having long hair, forcing myself into the girly clothes i hated so much. Feeling like i was in a costume. In rehab my sponser told me I needed to dress like a girl, that being gay was part of my "disease" and dressing how i did was feeding into it and would most definetly lead ot me getting high again. So she took me shopping, I drove with my permit my stepmom and sponser and two girls on steering commitee to the mall (oh god the mall where teeny-boppers thrive) I hit a car on my war out of the parking lot of my house. Shouldve known then this wasnt going to bea good trip. We went into a store i forget exactly what it was called 579, 357, some shit like that i didnt realize why the name until i saw the sizes on the clothes. HA HA even a 9 is a joke. I weighed about 140 then which for me was thin considering i came into the group weighing around 180. I got down to 140 by smoking everytime i wanted to eat and throwing up. The group doesn;t like fat people ya know. So we go to another store, I'm basically being dragged around by these girls into stores and told what to buy what to wear. I bought tight jeans and a nice v-neck type of blouse? or something i dont even know what these things are called im buying. I bought a par of boots with big heels, cuz "guys like tall girls, and itll make you look skinnier". I wore my new putfit the next day at the meeting. Hating every second of it. The guys looked at me funny, the girls looked at me funny. and I felt like a goddam freak. I stepped out of the meting 5 minutes into it and spent the rest of the time sitting in the bathroom crying and burning myself because i wasnt normal and no matter how hard i tried id always be a freak. i wore the clothes for months. my sponser got some guy to ask me to the banquet (like rehab prom kinda heh) and said i HAD TO GO. my dad went behind my back and bought the tickets. they were 50 sumthing dollars. I had to go now. I couldnt blow 50 bucks dad would be pissed and i would hate myself for him wasting the money. So then i got to go dress shopping. wonderful. I bought what someone else told me to buy. i bought the heels they wanted and OMG i even bought and carried a lil cute purse to go with it all. They did my hair. I tried to ignore it all. The day of banquet they fixed me up. I threw up 3 times before leaving. I got in the packed limo and tried not to vomit, talk, move, anything that would make me seem like me -which to me was too guyish. My one real friend at the time was there, she came up to me said "you look really really nice, and really really uncomfortable" I loosened up a little, shot the shit with her talked about who knows what then she started laughing. she said something along hte lines of ya know even in the dress and makeup and all that crap, you cant hold it in, youre still macho-like. I was crushed but played it off and made a even harder attempt to be as feminine as possible for the next 4 hours of this crap. I'd sit at the table and stare at the ground most the time and different girls would look over and tell me my bra strap was showing or to pull my dress up cuz i was showing cleavage, or to cross my legs. not like i was sitting there with em all sprawled out i had them as close together as possible-thinking this was what i was supposed to do. but no, they were supposed to be crossed. I tried. I tried. maybe its harder for fat people to cross their legs like that? I dunno but it didnt work. we went to the shop afterwards. my date and his buddies left in the limo to go ride around. my one real friend-who was my sponsee had gone home, i told her it was ok for her and another girl to go together Wow the shit i got for that one! and they both got so much shit for it they just went home after the dinner instead of going to the shop like everyone else. i had noone and i felt like i was a freak. I called my dad crying for him to come pick me up. he didnt understand. i got home and puked another 4 or 5 times. then carved FAG in my leg, the first of many times. I have a "fresh" burn saying the same thing.. FAG... had a convo with sumone last nite that just kinda rekindled the flame, I wanted to carve/burn/tattoo it onto my fucking forehead but i couldnt because today i have group therapy and if you self harm you cant og to group and ive missed last week and the week before i was so late itrs counted as an absence and if you miss 4 your out of the program and i wanna go camping next week so I have to go today. So the feeling just sits inside and festers. The need to punish myself for being "butch", for not being "right", for not being "acceptable"-even to myself. I wear pride jewelry, i feel no pride, but hope another girl will see it and maybe it would start something.

I remember my therapist asking me something about do you have a stable self image? When she was going thru the list of borderline personality disorder symptoms. I replied yes. and said in my head im stable in the fact that i know exactly what i am and i hate it and wish i could change. -but really i dont want to change, cuz girls are wayyyy to fine to be a heterosexual lol.

I dunno why that word bugs me still. To be called "butch" hurts. I'm just me. I don't want/need another label I have enough already. I wanna be accepted for who I am no matter what that is like I am to other people. my best friend didnt understand. ::sighs::

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i find this hilarious..guess im weird. fugggggit!

14...wow..could i have been that ignorant?...nah..no way..

Prayinmantis4 [1:00 A.M.]: this chicks words so far..she passes like every other turn says she doesnt have anything..but the words she has done are: feals, sabe, and sat i didnt have the heart to challenge em
Prayinmantis4 [1:05 A.M.]: shes 14
Purrs Furr You [1:05 A.M.]: awww
Prayinmantis4 [1:09 A.M.]:
TheIrishBabe: schools just dumb, the way i look at it is, we only have 1 life and we're all guna die 1 day, live life to the foolest
Prayinmantis4 [1:10 A.M.]: foolest lmfaooooooooooo
madhatter7: what do u wanna do after school? i mean after your done with high school
TheIrishBabe: i'm guna be a modle still
madhatter7: cool
TheIrishBabe: ya, theres no point in doing something else when your already doing what u love
madhatter7: your a model now?
TheIrishBabe: ya
madhatter7: is it fun?
TheIrishBabe: i just started last month
TheIrishBabe: i had my first photo shoot 2 weeks ago its a lot of fun

then she asked me if i worked, how old i was etc. I told her I was on disability, that i have bipolar and its not stable yet so i can't work right now. chit chatted a little more, then she challenged a word i played in scrabble and lost then said ***"you have a big vocabulary for a crazy"***
i had to give her a little schooling in the fact that because im "crazy" doesn't mean i'm stupid. went on to tell her how most bi-polar ppl, schizophrenics and autistics are all extremely intelligent. she didnt understand, and sadly probably never will, she'll become a model maybe and on the weekends ride her daddies horses and have a grand little uneducated life irritating people like me. *sigh*

and then this one time in rehab....

Prayinmantis4 [5:33 P.M.]: i had a dream about bug infestations and rats living all over my house but it wasnt my house and it wasnt my family
Purrs Furr You [5:33 P.M.]: ooooooooooo i had alotta dreams about like rats and kitten infestations
Prayinmantis4 [5:35 P.M.]: and the nite before last i had a dream i was at a rehab party thing but everyone was drinking and sholes was there but we had gamed before so they wouldnt let us near each other and all the girls had to sleep in one room like 40 girls crammed in a room with no beds or anything and sterring committe was all around me so i wouldnt try havin sex with any of the girls and then everyone woke up and i was bleeding from sumwhere but there was blood all around me and i didnt want anyone to see...it was ooooo fuckin weird
Purrs Furr You [5:36 P.M.]: very strange
Prayinmantis4 [5:36 P.M.]: the bug thing freaked me out tho..i hate ants..with a pasion i hate em the rats i was ok with cuz well i like rats but the family i livd with hated them and was gonna kill them all and i was like nooooo
Purrs Furr You [5:37 P.M.]: :-X ::cancels ant farm package for ur bday::
Prayinmantis4 [5:37 P.M.]: but then my mom came and showed me all the bugs in the house Prayinmantis4 [5:37 P.M.]: lmao
Prayinmantis4 [5:38 P.M.]: i used to be fascinated with em seriously the lil trails and their hills and i liked watchin them maked the hills over the days etc.
Prayinmantis4 [5:38 P.M.]: but i was manic as a mofo this one time..heh
Purrs Furr You [5:38 P.M.]: heh...
Prayinmantis4 [5:38 P.M.]: this one time at band camp*replace with this one time when i was manic
Purrs Furr You [5:38 P.M.]: lol
Prayinmantis4 [5:39 P.M.]: i was in here on the computer for i dunno 16 hours straight or sum shit and i went to go smoke and sumone left the back door open and there were ants to me seemed like a million of them in reality prolly closer to a couple hundred but they were co,min in thru the door and across the kitchen and up the counter and behind the microwave and everywhere on the oven up the cabinets FUCKIN EVERYWHERE i screamed woke mom up at 3 am told her she hasssssssssss to go get a broom and ant spray killer and a mop and yada yada i MADE her go heh
Purrs Furr You [5:40 P.M.]: lmao
Prayinmantis4 [5:40 P.M.]: and i cleaned and cleaned and cleaned for like 7 hours Prayinmantis4 [5:41 P.M.]: so heh the other nite i was out there sweeping and mopping at like 4 am and my mom came home fer her lunch break and shes got this scared look in her eyes and she asks was there ants in the house? i was all red faced, no mom i jus wanted to clean up a lil alright...
Purrs Furr You [5:42 P.M.]: lmao
Prayinmantis4 [5:42 P.M.]: yah so i hate ants now and theyre really really bad here Prayinmantis4 [5:43 P.M.]: maybe i should watch ants or a bugs life so ill be nice to them again Purrs Furr You [5:43 P.M.]: i'm sorry to hear that
Purrs Furr You [5:43 P.M.]: lol perhaps
Prayinmantis4 [5:43 P.M.]: i used to never kill bugs no im like die you basterds and i stomp them!
Purrs Furr You [5:43 P.M.]: ROFLMAO are they the big ones ? carpenter ones ?
Prayinmantis4 [5:43 P.M.]: no lil ones
Prayinmantis4 [5:43 P.M.]: and some fire ants
Purrs Furr You [5:43 P.M.]: ah ok

I hate the fact that most of my stories start of with three phrases: This one time when i was high.. or This one time in my rehaby cult thing... or This one time when i was manic.. :

i never finish ANYTHING lol

so yesterday i decide to paint the living room, my mom had the entertainment center half pulled out so she could vacuum behind it and we were playin scrabble at the same time and shed go and vacuum and dust between turns then she asked me to move it back and i said just leave it out and ill paint it while its already out. I have this problem with multi-tasking. I's next to impossible for me to do one thing at a time. we were playing scrabble i was filling out my papers for therapy, eating lunch, and thinking baout 500 other things. I guess its genetic my mom was playing scrabble and cleaning at the same time, and shawn was making food, playing, and on the phone. can we say add? yah weve all got the diagnoses and most days we all forget to take our meds so umm yah..my house is constantly in a half finished state. certain things about it bug me more then others. I guess my moms little "quirks" like the fact the she'll sweep the whole kitchen all the dust and fur etc. into a nice little pile to be swept up and dumped in the trash but no she just leaves the nice little pile sitting there in the middle of the floor most days so the animals and people walk back thru it and its all over again. why bother sweeping it at all? I cant say shit tho really im sitting here writing this ive gotten up three times to smoke, fix my hair, feed the fish, look for my little brother, ask my mom if shes gonna go get smokes. etc. all in the span of umm half an hour? probably not even that long. : oh well such is life.

ive been trying to fix my schedule back to somewhat normal, UI don't expect to be getting up at 8 am and going to bed at 11 everynight or anything but like today i woke up at 6pm which just sucks ass cuz i end up spending most of my time by myself. i went to bed at a decent time alst nite was about 2, but woke up at around 3 and was on the phone till 5ish and didnt go back to sleep till 6. 12 hours sleep ugh. dam meds.

~~~~im on the run cant sit still off to big lots to take back my pond kit i lost the receipt for and spend 60 bucks on who knows what on store credit but im outta cigs so one trip at once yup and the smaller lizards need crickets again. i gotta post a pic of the new anole and sigh now i need another name took me weeks to decide on strikes for the gecko. lalalalala

::sings::
im sorry about the sun, how could i know that you would burn and
im sorry about the moon, how could i know that youd disapprove
and ill never make the same mistake....

but untill then better off dead a smile on the lips and a whole in the head...

im sorry about the world, how could i know you'd take it so bad..

i got my cds resurfaced at the game place the other day and yippy yay1 my oooold cds work again so excited :) that was embarrasing tho the fooker asked for id with the credit card and i asked if they did debit cuz the card is in my moms name cuz im too "crazy" to manage my own money cuz yah ill do dumb things like by 100 pez dispensers an shit but anyways. i said it wouldnt match it was my moms card so i had to go dig change outta my car and borrow a few bucks from my lil bro. haha fooker how do ya like those dirty hot ass coins. jerk! : /

i think im done ranting now i really gotta go get smokes.

depression sucks

i feel like shit...dont feel like blogging, checking others, eating, showering..anything.. i take my 5 pills at nite that make me sleep 16 hours and hope to god when i do wake up ill feel an ounce of joy in my life but so far nothing... dr. fuckstick raised the dosages...im left to sit and wait it out.. my bed is the only safe place unless i happen to have nightmares then i just lay there and fantasize about what i wish my life was like. i push everyone away when i get like this, noone wants to be around a depressed person. I picked up a new lizard, mom dragged my ass outta the house to petsmart.. 90 bucks on dog food, cat food, rat food, fish stuff, lizard food and the new lizard for ivan so hes not alone..all these animals.. thinking maybe if i sorround myself with things i love itll take away that big black lonely hole that has sat in my heart forever. it doesnt..but at least most days it forces me outta bed to feed/water/pet/hold/watch and distract me from my insane mind that keeps me prisoner. 1...2..should i?...yah...3 pills...45 mgs of amphetamine.. that should jumpstart my ass, at least maybe give me a few minutes of fake happiness.

grrs and sighs

[3:51 P.M.]: how was the doc ?
Prayinmantis4 [3:51 P.M.]: doc was ok
[3:51 P.M.]: good
Prayinmantis4 [3:52 P.M.]: he said its prolly that im not eating is why im forgetting things Prayinmantis4 [3:52 P.M.]: ::rolls eyes::
[3:52 P.M.]: lmao
[3:52 P.M.]: doctors are so smart
Prayinmantis4 [3:52 P.M.]: very
Prayinmantis4 [3:52 P.M.]: he gave me a prescription that said fun on it too...hes just a reg ol comedian that guy i swear..
[3:53 P.M.]: OMG LMAO
Prayinmantis4 [3:53 P.M.]: i was really tempted to tell him oh didnt you know the insurance wont cover this? but i jus fake smiled and said ..cute
[3:53 P.M.]: lol
Prayinmantis4 [3:54 P.M.]: i really wanna take it to the pharmacy with me and be toatally straight faced and hand it over to be filled with my others
[3:54 P.M.]: lmao yeah
Prayinmantis4 [3:55 P.M.]: he even stamped it and everything
[3:55 P.M.]: roflmao
[3:55 P.M.]: that is too fucking funny
Prayinmantis4 [3:56 P.M.]: yup..thats gonna hafta go in the blog
Prayinmantis4 [3:57 P.M.]: friggin drs ayiyi
[3:57 P.M.]: lmao i woulda smacked him in the head with it
Prayinmantis4 [3:57 P.M.]: did i tell you about when i went ot the regular dr and he made me a balloon animal?
[3:57 P.M.]: NO ROFLMAOOOOOO
Prayinmantis4 [3:59 P.M.]: he seriously thought i was like real real real crazy, my mom told him the meds i was on and his eyes got reaaaaaal big and hes like oh ok..then he asks me do u wanna see a magic trick and starts doin magic tricks and im just sitting htere like what in the fuck? then he says yer not smilin...how bout a balloon animal? and i laughed cuz it was just ridiculous and he said ahh i knew youd like that
Prayinmantis4 [3:59 P.M.]: i jus sat there dumbfounded like holy shit, dude thinks im retardedly crazy
[4:00 P.M.]: lmao
[4:02 P.M.]: ahahahahahahahahahahahaha poor pray lmfaooooo jesus that is funny shit
Prayinmantis4 [4:02 P.M.]: me and my mom walked out got in the car and shes all.....well....that was interesting...did you have fun?
[4:02 P.M.]: lmao!!!!
Prayinmantis4 [4:03 P.M.]: said mom..i feel like im 6 and i jus saw a new pediatrician for the first time

why do docs think theyre so friggin funny?...wish i had a prescription pad so i could've wrote him one back saying a new career as a comedian, or maybe a book about jokes -which are funny, which are not.
look u a-hole im at the psychiatrists office ding ding! youre a psychiatrist and im a mental case, i don't need the lame attempts at humor. I think if I could was able to have "fun" just as easily as you writing me a rx for it then I wouldn't have came in the first place cuz we all know sitting in yer dirty, stankass, no-air condiontioned lobby full of overmedicated drooling idiots is NOT FUN!. maybe I'll call him and tell him hey ya know what I thought would be fun? you come to my house for our next appointment, or maybe you pay and we meet in disneyland? that would really be fun! ...jackass

from todays dr..theyre all just so friggin hysterical they must take a comedy class while in med school or something 

from the goofy dr. who did magic tricks and made me a balloon animal.  

hopefully I see a shooting star so all my hopes come true.

Picked up the fam from the airport tonight. Did 12 miles around the arrival pick-up area. North-side, south-side, round and round, I was dying to make a left hand turn by the time they came out. I'm happy they're home, but at the same time disappointed that I need them to be here. A week without them I thought would be fun and relaxing turned into overwhelming and fearful. I forget if I've fed the animals so I feed them again or I don;t then they start barking or meowing and remind me. I forget to feed myself, Adderal helps with that I rarely get hungry, even when I do I'm busy doing something else and think I'll do it in a few and by then I'm not hungry anymore. I forget if I watered the plants yesterday, today, what day is today, monday? How often am I supposed to water them again? When does the trash get picked up? The mail heh I checked it twice the whole week. It just didn't occur to me to check it. I have 6 projects started and none finished. My memory sucks already and I'm sure the meds add to that problem. I'm scared I have Alzheimer's already. I swear to god I 95% of the time park in the same spots at the few rare places I go by myself because if I don't I'll be walking around the parking lot like a jackass for 20 minutes trying to find my car. I've tried little reminder book things, I either don't remember to fill it out, look at it, or I lose it. My meds sit on the desk 6 inches from the monitor because otherwise I'd forget them and the night ones I still forget if I'm not sitting here looking at them when I'm ready to go to sleep. Then I'll take them and sit here and wonder did I take them or did I just go get a drink of water? I take the wrong ones sometimes cuz I'm oblivious to which bottle says what or I'm not paying attention. The scariest thing is when I forgot which ones I am supposed to take -day,night,yellow,blue and white? Luckily that has only happened a few times and was when I was on really bad meds. Not that my family tells me to do these things, but they remind me they need done in different ways. My mom leaving for work at night=oh, it's night time I should take meds. My bros eating dinner or asking me if I'm gonna cook tonight= oh yah, theres this thing called food that your supposed to eat it three times a day. I wanna be on my own so bad, maybe this week was just a fluke that it was so hard. My lizard died kinda set my head off track a little. Therapy was hard tuesday, and wednesday and Dad's was tough wednesday and Sunday so..yah..hopefully it was all just a fluke and I was just a little stressed and I'll be able to manage on my own perfectly fine. hopefully..very hopefully : /

I'm starting to get scared a burn on my arm is getting infected. It's red above it about an inch and a half and below about an inch and is yellow if I have it covered for any length of time. I dunno if this is normal since I've never had to cover a burn before. I keep hoping I'm gonna wake up the next day and the redness and pain will be gone. :: crossing my fingers hopefully..

4 am, need to be up in 6 hours for therapy and oh yippy yay the psychiatrist, oodles of fun all in one day! Hopefully everything will go good.

ugh, I'm a hypochondriac

I feel sick this morning..maybe I have blood poisoning or food poisoning or ninjas put some toxic gas in all my vents this morning when i was sleeping and i have some kinda funky gas poisoning. I feel dizzy and kinda tired but I just lay there so I must not be really tired...how can someone not know if theyre tired or not? Is it just me that has this problem? I slept on the couch last nite ::wheels start spinning:: hmm this is the couch from bro in laws parents house who smoke a shit ton of weed maybe the THC soaked into the fabric and then thru my skin(weed makes me sick now for those of you that don't know, I get panic attacks, nausous, then psychotic so i steer clear)...but yah, anyhow i slept on the couch cuz Stokes' crickets wouldnt shut the hell up and I didnt feel like going on a cricket massacre at 4 in the morning. I just hope she finds the evil little chirping bastard and eats him soon.

hi, my name is ___ and im addicted to blogs

ok seriously this is insanity, i have 4 blogs now..maybe 5..i cant even remember anymore where they all are..i lost half of my links and things because aol sucks ass and i had to reinstall and lost half my info. GRRRR my poems, my writings, my art..POOf gone. anyhow..hopefully i cant manage to put everything in here from now on cuz its a real pain in the ass tryna to just keep up with what can go where and yada yada.

i painted today, hopefully the pic shows up..i didnt pick the colors, my mom did. she loves it so thats good. personally the green reminds me of a hospital room but hey whatever i guess. The family will all be back home monday night. god this week flew by : / i have so much stuff to do still and I'm running out of days. Tommorrow is fathers day, I should go see my dad. who knows if I'll actually do that though. I wanna go play raquetball right now. I played last nite had a blast-by myself of course cuz i have no friends- but still had fun smacking the shit outta the ball heh. The guys next to me kept hitting their ball in my court, the first time i just thought oh hey it happens but they kept doing it and I started to get worried. They looked like skinheads and of course I was wearing my I heart girls shirt with rainbow and all. I was glad the whole campus is on surveillence.

im totally rambling and none of this is really going to gether very well.. dam..i didnt take my add meds today maybe thats the problem. oh well i give

painted the walls...any opinions?? 

the lil baby finally has a name...i decided on Strikes...cuz i swear she strikes out 95% of the time trying to catch the crickets..I'm starting to wonder of shes blind.