50 facts about yers truly

so the newest thing going around journals ive seen is list 50 facts about yerself. I'm gonna see if I can manage to think of 50....

1. The first journal I read of someone's 50 facts made me cry.
2. Shiva, one of the rats died yesterday, I have my guesses as to why she died but really, I'll never know.
3. My mom woke me up to go console my brother because she didn't know how.
4. I got to dig the hole and bury it
5. Ever since I was a kid I've been the designated animal "reaper"
6. I never agreed to the job
7. My stepdad ran over one of my cats and I had to go clean it up off the street and bury it...alone
8. My mom killed my gerbil and again I buried it..alone
9. My mom has killed quite a few animals (on accident) I buried them all
10. My stepdad killed my dog and two cats when I was in 2nd grade. (on purpose)
11. I don't feel confident in giving anyone animal care advice anymore, though logically I know about as much as vets do.
12. I went to the bank today with a bag full of change to deposit so my stuff would stop bouncing.
13. The teller told me they don't accept change unless it's rolled.
14. I think she felt bad for me because she decided to do it anyways.
15. I went to therapy today, I ran over time and the therapist had to go tell her next client she was running late.
16.I feel like crap for taking her time and someone else's.
17.I haven't eaten yet today, I'm hungry right now but don't feel like making the effort.
18. I stutter-worse when I'm nervous of course
19. I have a speech impediment and it took me years to learn how to say the "r" sound correctly
20. I still mess up the "r" sound sometimes
21. I have a habit of typing how it sounds in my head, which tends to make me look stupid. For instance when I say ...."ferever", "yer", or "er"
22. I cuss alot.
23. My plan on the way home from therapy was to go to the lake and hope I felt better.
24. If I didn't feel better I was going to drive out into the desert and kill myself.
25. I feel too tired to do either of those at the moment.
26. I'm a nerd.
27. I grew up poor, and my dad would complain when we came over to see him that our clothes were too ripped, stained, old, small, etc. and he only bought us new ones when we had to go to one of his teacher functions so he could parade me around as his little genius and have his teacher friends ask me obscure questions. He was very disappointed if I didn't know the right answer and then would shuffle me off to play with the other kids while mumbling she must be tired, or wanting to go play with the kids to make up for my mistake.
28. When I was in 5th grade my eyeglasses broke and I had to tape them in the middle together, even the teacher made fun of me.
29. The first time I heard voices I was in 2nd grade.
30. 3rd grade brought the first visual hallucinations, OCD symptoms, and I realized I was gay and what that meant, that year was also the first time I wanted to die.
31. I told my mom I saw and heard things and she saw my OCD symptoms, I got in trouble at school for my OCD stuff, and at home my mom let me cry and scream because I was scared of the hallucinations, I don't know why she didn't do anything. After a few months my stepdad came back home and the first night I went on my usual crying and knocking on her door for her to come help me they were coming thing and he came out and beat the shit out of me.
32. I never mentioned the hallucinations again till a few years ago -except for my first sponser in the cult, she told me it'd go away when the drugs got out of my system, it didn't.
33. I still get OCD with some things, I think it's engrained in my head though to hide everything that's not "normal" or bad things happen.
34.The last full year I attended was 7th grade, though I did miss 2 months of it.
35. I took my GED at 17(?I think) and didn't study, didn't try, didn't care and passed with an above average score.
36. I only took it so I could move back in with my dad and out of the meth house I was staying in with my uncle-in-law.
37. I've had my cat Kurt since he was born, his mother was my pet as well. Her name was B.J. for the lead singer of Green Day. Kurt was born was all white with bright blue eyes and I was convinced he was Kurt Cobain reincarnated.
38. I took him everywhere with me, I walked to friends houses and he'd sit on my shoulder, trips to my grandparents' house and I'd insist on taking him or I wasn't going.
39. At the grandparents I'd sit in the garage and play with him until it was time to leave.
40. Kurt is now 11 years old.
41. I rarely cry and when I do, 95& of the time as soon as my eyes start to water up I shut all my emotions off and leave the situation. 5% of the time I cry hysterically.
42. I still spin necklaces, string etc. like a "fist" when I'm nervous (any other cult people still do that?)
43. I have 8 bottles of pills on my desk right now sitting in front of the monitor
44. I have enough Klonopin to kill a horse.
45. I have enough Adderal to give myself a major heart attack, and prolly have some leftover.
46. I wish I could be happy
47. I wish I felt like someone gave a damn about me.
48. I wish my mother would've stopped my stepdad from abusing me
49. I wish my stepdad was dead
50. This is prolly gonna be my last post for awhile.

cops suck

Got pulled over night before last I think it was. It was raining like crazy and there was cops everyehere so I was being very very careful to go the exact speed limit- which is next to impossible for me because i speed *everywhere. I go 110 on I-17, I go down 35th avenue at 70mph. I like to speed..I love it :D But so on this particular nite because I saw probably 20 cops in my two hours of driving around and about 10 cars pulled over I was being very careful not to speed. I was looking all around for cops, being careful not to change lanes around any of them because I have no turn signals and my front window is broke and taped up so I have no way of hand signaling either. anyhow. I'm about 2 blocks from my house and theres a cop on my right and then all of a sudden theres one behind me and he flips on his lights. I think maybe he just needs me to move out of the way so i pull over to the right he follows me FUCKKKKKKKK. My automatic response turn the A/C on full blast close all the vents except one and aim the air right in my eyeballs forcing tears to start flowing and my nose to stop running. Cops don't wanna deal with crying girls right? While hes running my plates and taking his time to come up to the car I tell all the teens in the car if you have smokes or dope on you take em outta yer pockets and stuff them in the car. I was with my two brothers and two of their little girlfrinds all 15-16 years old....finally cop comes up to the car I open the door. heh..my window doesnt roll down..he asks do you know why I pulled you over? I say sniffly no, I have no idea I wasn't speeding I was driving so carefully because of the rain and he interrupts my sniveling whiney crap and says you have a broken headlight. I try not to laugh. and say I do?? how? when did that happen? he asks for license registartion proff of insurance..I dont have proof of insurance in my car cuz im always to lazy/stupid to stick the stupid little cards they mail me every 6 months in the car. He goes back to his car. and I start bitching he pulls me over for my fucking headlight?!? what the fuck...stupid bitch ass mofo cops ::more bitchin, cussin, laughing. and air blowing in my eyeballs::: eventually he comes back and says I citing you for no proof of insurance fucker but ITs ok cuz all I have to do is get a copy of my card saying that I do have current insurance and mail it in and no fine no biggie its all good. I'm still irritated about it but sign and say thank you. I shut the door and tell the chick in the backseat do you know how to signal??? she says uhh no..I say alright when i go to pull outta here put your arm like this..if he follows us when i go to turn left stick yer arm straight out. shes like uhhh...ok...poor kid tryna signal out the back windowwith the child thing so it only goes half down. but I'm thinking as soon as he sees me go to pull outta here with no turn signals hes gonna pull me over again and thank god he didnt see the cracked windshield either. The cops around here are becoming serious assholes. They gave this kid a 280$ ticket for underage smoking while he was walking down the street. Gave my bro in law a ticket for not coming to a complete stop when making a right hand turn.
stupid fuckin cops..

1000 Chinese Praying Mantis's ...woops

I wanted some Mantis's. I love the little things, theyre mating habits, how they look. They're just cool. In Phoenix though they're very rare. I know you can buy them from garden supply stores and things like that though because the're benficial insects for gardening, like ladybugs etc. So I go online and look up a place and place my order. I ordered 6 egg cases, on the site it says attach them to bushes/trees with sticks or string and they will hatch in 4-6 weeks. Sweet I'm gonna have a bunch of manti's in 4-6 weeks! They arrived a few days ago. I just got home yesterday and opened them up and read the instruction sheet that came with them. My eyes get big at the first line. "the chinese praying mantis" chinese?? uhh..I thought these were american ones..hmm..aren't chinese ones the ones that are the largest of the species?? *guick google* yes, they are the largest of the species reaching over 5 inches...hmm..ohhh k. I read on..."t0 hatch, attach to twig or with string to plant at 76-86 degree and within 4-6 weeks 150-200 will emerge from the egg case. 76-86 degrees??? um..FUCK. I can't put them outside right now its anywhere from 100-120 degrees right now. and I dont think its ever 76-86 degrees in phoenix for 4-6 weeks plus a few more weeks for them to change from nymphs to actual mantis' **scratches head, looks at bottles of mantis egg cases, notices there is a 4th in one of the jars, bonus! always nice but..how the fuck am i gonna hatch all these things?** I'm trying to remember I think about mid october it starts cooling off.

So I guess my plan is right now I have one egg case setup in my room to hatch hopefully theyll be able to handle the temp change. I'm going to take 3 off the cases in the beginging of october and hatch them inside as well and hope the temp will be right to release them when they hatch and the last three I'm gonna string up hatch outside at the end of october. Hopefully bewtween doing them differently I'll up with at least a couple hundred that survive. Or worse case scenario they all hatch and all survive and I end up with over 1000 of em and cause a major problem and itll be on the news. ""Chinese Mantis overwhelms surprise area, changes whole eco-system""
heh..I swear officer it wasn't me...well yah my email is Prayingmantis4@aol.com and well yah I do send mail out sumtimes with a return address of Pray N. Mantis...ok yah I do get things mailed to Miss Praying Mantis too but I I I i dont like the bugs? heh...

3 am, bang bang bang, hey umm..sorry fer wakin u but, yer house is on fire..

Interesting day/night guess ill start at the beginning and if yer really interested in hearing why the title youll have to read thru or jus skip downto the **part. the rest is just my ramblings of insanity as usual. nothin to see here move on down to the ** stuf

woke up this mornin at around 6:30ish, woke up and was wide awake. Startin doin some yard work, hoping the battery operated weed eater would work after charging all day and the lil green button on it said charged so i went out there to trim up the yard and the dam piece of crap wont cut the grass. It has no power whatsoever I in my genius mind decide to check and see how powerful it is because maybe im not using it right and stick my hand down there when its on. Apparently it's strong enough to cut flesh but not grass heh. Kinda reminded me of the whole hand mixer incident...sometimes I can be very umm..whats the word...stupid! anyhow I proceed to rip out the weeds in the cracked concrete and sweep up the edges of where the gfrass meeets the concrete around the pool..I guess my dad jus waters all the grass/dirt/whatever into the grass edge there cuz good god it took hours. I was sweating like a lobster above a pot of boiling water. Pretty damn disgusting jus dripping in sweat. I go take a shower cuz im nasty, third one in two days. Have no idea what I did for the next I dunno 3-4 hours. I like"come back around" i guess and think where the fuck am i what the fuck is going on, takes awhile to realize where i am who i am etc. Is a very scary feeling. Then I go look around to see If I've done anything during my diassociation (no i dont have DID or multiple personalities etc. I don't even believe in that really, but disassociation where I'm just not in the present moment who knows where I am.) Everyone does it, for me it's just more intense. "Normal" people disassociating: theyre driving their car and thinking about something else for a few minutes and then next thing they know they snap back and have passed where they were going, me disassociating: I lose hours, I do things I'm not aware of, I write things, move things, talk to people I don't know/recognize and not knowing who I am or where I'm at. A few times I've cooked meals while this is going on, only to "snap back" hours later and see a bunch of food and wonder where the fuck it came from. When I come back around to earth I have to check myself for cuts, burns etc. cuz i've done that before too before. How's that for a nice world to come back to, the first fifteen minutes trying to calm myself down and look around realize where I'm at, what time it is, quick body check and then go looking around for things I've done. I made food today I never ate. I wrote things down pages of stuff that doesnt make much sense, bits and pieces thrown together. I wrote stuff down in latin, and changed my message on my phone to me tryna speak spanish.
It scares the fuck outta me. I came back around tonite around 9 took my meds and put in a movie, bad choice in movie. this kid gets called faget repeatedly. Voices are back loud again. kill yerself faget, you spread disease..etc etc etc. I call my therapist, yet again, shes gotta really be sick of me and my nuttiness. I have an appointment with her tomorrow now so we can "address all this in person" meaning: she wants to how assess my mental stability and see if she should be calling the white wagon for my ass.

On to the night, She tells me to listen to music to drown out the voices and try to sleep. I actaully fell asleep pretty quick around 1130ish. Get a call at 2 somethin I dreamt i answered it and was talking to them but the phone rang again and I realized i was talking outloud to noone heh. anyhow we talk for awhile then my battery dies cuz cell ophone batteries suck donkey dong and my therapist is supposed to call me at 7 to tell me when to come in so i need the ophone charged and i wasnt done talking to who i was talking to so i throw some pants on and get in the car and use the car charger it seems to work fdaster and go haulin ass down the freeway thinking the faster i go the more power it must send right? i turn off the ac dont use the radio, dim all the interior lights cuz of course thisll make it charge faster in my braniac mind. who knows if it did or not. i also stop and turn the car off and on a few times thinking the power surge will charge it qjuicker. i stop at a few gas station to see if they have phone cards so i can finish my convo, but of course they dont and i give up and head home.

****i pull into the driveway turn to shut the door and i see flames coming from a house on the next street over, jump back in the car pull up to their house and go bangin on the door to wake the people up. I can't see anything theres black smoke everywhere and its like 4 am dark as all hell still the front door is open but its got a outer screen type metal door thats locked so i cant jus go runnin in there. bang some more a dog comes up barking at me. I start to think the house is abandoned and start looking around for windows to break cuz im sure as shit not gonna let this dog die. finally a little boy comes to the door im guessing around 7 and i tell him to wake up his mom i think his house is on fire. theres some shuffling around i cant see inside at all. then she finally comes to the door, crying, upset, shaking. I ask her if shw knows her house is on fire she says its the backyard her boyfriend and buddies set it on fire as a threat. Her words are coming out only in pieces. I hear, boyfriend, threats, stolen tv and couch. whats he want from me i have nothing he sold my car we have no phone i cna barely feed my kids. he didnt use to be this way. I ask her if shes gonna be safe staying there tonite and offer to let her come stay here. she says she'll be safe, its just threats(im still not understanding why her boyfriend and father of the two children is threatning her with setting the backyard on fire but ok) a few minnutes later a guy drives by and yells out hey yer house is on fire haha -one of her boyfriends buddies. I raise my eyes a little and say again you sure you feel safe here tonite?..shes crying saying yah we'll be fine..i want to leave but my kids love there dad. i dunno what to do. I give her a few more cigarettes for the nite, round up her dog for her and tell her i hope the rest of her nite goes calmly and head back home. I'm gonna try and find some info pamphlets etc on shelters I know some of them even accept pets, and stop by her house tomorrow basically just to check on her. maybe her bf will be there and i can smack him in the nuts witha baseball bat for endangering his kids and gfs life. Odd night..and I fell in love with her dog heh. looked like a ridgeback/pitbull mix, very protective but warmed up to me quickly and was even jumpin on me to get petted heh. Was a definite sweety.

So now its 5:30 my therapist is supposed to call at around 630-7 to let me know when to come in tomorrow, Im kinda tired but I got like an hour till shes supposed to call, and when she calls she'll either tell me to come in at 8 am or 1 pm...choices choices...I hate making choices.

LOST! sanity; multi-colored & responds to..well nothing thats why it ran away...REWARD for safe return though.

drama filled and somewhat graphic..read at your own risk.


I lost it today..again..fast track to crazy town. I can feel it coming days before it hits its hardest yet theres nothing i can do to stop it. I feel out of control. I walked out of therapy yesterday because I dont cry in front of people. I walked out of group today because again I dont want to cry in front of people. A thousand thoughts and voices screaming and my therapist trying to talk to me and she keeps trying to look at me in the eyes and I look away everytime. I can't look, I don''t want to be seen like this. She leaves me to finish my cigarette and says she'll see me back inside in a few minutes...my mind races, I get in my car grab the knife & clean it off...run my fingers along its edge wondering if its sharp enough to cut through the muscles and everything in my neck. I didn;t notice her come back out but then she was there. I hide the blade in my hand. My immediate thought is if she sees it shes gonna think I'm going to hurt her. We talk..blah blah blah for awhile, cry, blah blah some more..she asks whats gonna make me safe right this minute & i drop the knife she jumps back a little then reaches to grab it i step on it. Eventaully i give he the knife group is over and i sit in myu car for who knows how long trying to settle down mybrain enough to drive home. I dontknow what I did when I got home. I sat with another knife for awhile. I don;t remember calling the crisis line. of what happened from when I got home to when she called me. She told me to do some things and if it gets back up to a 4 out of 5 again on planning/intent to call her back. I cried, I wont go to the hospital. I told her if she sends the crisis team to the house Ill take off. If she sends them and doesnt tell me Ill jump the back wall and take off down the alley. I WONT go to the hospital. She says I need to be safe, I asked her if shes ever been in one, she says not as a patient but shes been to all of them. I felt like screaming safe my ass at her and telling her about sharpening plastic knives on the walls, and yada yada. It isn;t safe there. and theres nothing they can do for me anyways. i cant take any antipsychotics I have paradoxical reactions to the new ones and am allergic to haldol and the others. I;m already on an antidepressant and doing therapyu and group..what can they do for me? whats the point? besides frweakin my family out and my dads neighbor when the damn crisis van shows up..fuck no. Cant do it. wont do it..I drink till I pass out, Ill take meds till I fall asleep,or ill slit my throat. Im not going back EVER.

journal starters: Dream a little. Describe what kind of life you will have ten years from now.

Allowed to dream and fully make up exactly what I'd want my life to be in ten years..interesting

Ten years from now I'd be 32, heading on 33. scary..
I'd be living with my wife(yes cuz they're going to legalize marriage for gays and lesbians damnit) in the Phoenix area in a medium sized house. master bedroom would be ours with a huge whirlpool tub shower for two next to it. A few rooms would be set aside for pets; one with humid-loving reptiles and fish, one with desert reptiles, and another with small mammals, rats, ferrets, chinchillas etc. The cats would roam freely through the rest of the house and the dogs as well. With a couple rooms left over for kids, office, art room etc.. We'd have a big backyard with chickens and pygmy goats and a couple miniature horses and my girlfriend would constantly be giving me a hard time about how we have too many animals, but secretly she loved my passion. A pool in the backyard also, surrounded by tropical foliage and a garden off to one side with lots of things for Praying Mantis' to crawl around on. We'd paint the interior of the house together, murals to each other on the walls.

Neither one of us would have to work because I would've made millions on a genius invention, but we'd have part-time jobs doing things we loved. I'd work at the zoo. She'd do whatever she loved. We'd have silly arguments over stupid things and know the whole time that they're totally ridiculous but we'd both be stubborn and not wanna stand down until one of us started laughing. I'd cook her favorite meals for her everyday. And she'd fold the laundry cuz I HATE folding laundry....she wouldnt even have to fold it just put it all on hangers.

My kitty Kurt would still be alive and still insist on sleeping on my pillow right next to me every night. My brothers would be in college and my mom I would've given enough money to for a house, new car etc. My mind would be stable with ot withour meds either way, i dream it would just be stable. I'd be able to work if I wanted to. I'd finally have Broadband (lol by then it'd be like an atari compared to a xbox now) but still. I'd be happy.

alright enough with fantasy land

I really dream that in ten years I'd be ok enough mentally to be working again. That I'd have a girlfriend I could spoil and that would tolerate my insanity. That my family and friends were all healthy and not struggling anymore. **And** that I'd still have my little Kurt sleeping on my pillow next to me every night.

my desk

I did a post a few days ago, a survey that had a question about what was on my desk I was at my dad's house though so it didn't really count. So now I'll take inventory of everything thats on my desk..because I'm bored and slightly tired but not tired enough to sleep yet amd I'm sure everyone wants to know how much of a slob I am.

1. half full water bottle
2. empty propel bottle
3.445$ in cash.
4. a blue sharpie
5. fingernail clippers
6. my moms lane bryant credit card.
7. fabric measuring tape
8.spool of metal wire
9. butane fuel
10. floppy disks-why we have them I have no idea
11. 3 unmarked burned cds that I don't know what is on them
12. a pile of papers/bills/phone numbers/crap I print off for unknown reasons and never get around to reading
13. a paper my mom must have printed showing how much the "asshole" has been payin in child support. gotta love the fact he gets to pay whenever he gets the urge. and reading his name makes me wanna throw up.
14.12 bottles of pills
15. tweezers
16. digital camera
17. webcam
18. cigarette pack &lighter
19.keys
20. my super speakers that I love :)
21. a book "anxiety, phobias, and panic"
22. a binder full of guitar tabs I'll probably never take the time to learn.
23. 5 AA batteries... hmm..heh..odd..
24. a tube of beads.
25. a glass jar with god knowswhat in it looks like scissors, sum pencils, pens, thumbtacks, crumpled paper, dice, wax engraver thing, another AA battery, twisty ties and some change from here..could be more..who knows
26. two maxed out credit cards.
27. a long distance phone card
28. the knob to the front of my desk- apparently it came off when I was gone.
29. two packs of matches
30. two candles
31. a corded phone
32. a cordless phone base-who knows where the phone went
33. bottle of nyquil
34. a couple pictures
35. and two wallets I never use.

-this is just whats in veiwing distance from where I'm sitting and doesnt include the upper shelves-though I do feel the need to mention I have a nutcracker heh *big grin* and two super huge pez dispensers on the top shelf. I'd go on..but I think we all get the picture and I'm feeling tired now.

Yes, my desk is a disaster..beyond disaster..its gross.

They say the environment you live in is a reflection of how you are inside. I guess that fits..Im a mess and I feel gross. *shrugs*


hopefully Ill be back to normal in a few days and be back to writing my nutty stories. until then..sorry for the whining/bitching/dont give a flyin fuck attitude..

over-tired rambling&bitching

Came back home today. I;ve been alone at my dads while they were out of town since monday? I forget when. I was supposed to be relaxing, I wanted to paint, work on my bazillion bright ideas. But what did I accomplish that whole time over there? I cleaned his pool, and made a necklace. pret ty fuck in pathetic. fuggit

My mom called me today, a friend of hers whose husband had bipolar killed himself last year today. The friend was upset and didn;t want to be at home, so they wanted to go gambling. She asked if I wanted to come along, whcih i seriouslly didn;t have the money too but I needed a vacation from my brain for a few hours, figured I'd play the penny machines for awhile and hopefully come out even. I lost all my money I broght to begin with of course. So what do I do? go home? just relax and listen to the lame ass band? nahhhh I pull out more money. But! I actually started winning!..i never win. I was up to 1000 bucks at one point. But I;m greedy and wanted more so I ended up coming home with 450$. damn damn damn, Wish I woulda stopped at a grand. that woulda been so so nice. I couldnt believe it i was down to nothing I pulled out more money was making my way over to the penny machines again and jsut for some unknown reason I put 5 bucks in the dollar machine and hit max credits which was three and got 3 7's 500$ boom! My jaw dropped. I was stoked. I felt a rush. I played another 1$ machine bam another 200$ I cashed in my voucher telling myself jesus pray, this is a whole months social security check in yer hand. I stuffed the money in my pocket and went for more. stupid move. oh well. In total I'm up 350$ which is cool cuz I once again blew money on crap I wasnt supposed to this month. I bought a new guitar, shes beautiful, plays sweet as all hell. I got a good deal on it-that was my reasoning. heh. I came home that day with a new guitar, a bag of beads from the bead store I hid from mom. It's hard to explain how I spent 50 bucks at the bead store..just doesn't go over very well, and a house gecko I caught from my dads house. She saw the guitar and the little deli cup with some unknown animal in it and gave me that "godammit candace wtf did you do now look"...I had to tell her about the beads a few days later and she was pissed. Now she's happy though because I won back the money I blew and a little extra. Oh and at the casinoI got this little fountain thing because my birthday is this month, they give you a 5 dollar voucher and a little gift. I thought it was pretty sweet and was actually hella stoked about it because its small and will fit in the anole cage. yay!

I went to gay denny's last nite seeing if there were any interesting people around. It was 3 am on a thursday night. there was 3 gay guys and an old lady..that was a bust.

I wish I wasn't socially retarded
I wish people who actually listened to me didn't give me that"you fuckin loser/nutcase get a job look"

If you couldn't tell I'm in a little bit of a depressed/everything sucks/wanna die mood. I'm trying though..try try try try try try ...try just a lil bit harder baby...

some people call me a space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love

and some might call me a damn drunk ass fool. a few things a friend emailed me as to remind me of the fact that when drunk i shouldnt try to type.

madhatter7: oooo i lov ethis dong ((that meant: oo, I love this Song
madhatter7: whats a b ix tho?madhatter7: box (( I didn't think "box" was a word while playing scrabble...scary

I'm sure my typing got worse as the night progressed. I really dont remember though...I remember waking up on the bathroom floor with the dog licking my hand. I passed the muthafuck out hard.
I wonder who all I called this time and left stupid messages on their phone. Sorry to anyone who got my drunken ramblings on thier voicemail or in their ear.

I have a bad hangover. When standing i feel like falling over, when laying i feel like vomiting. sitting seems to be ok though.

I should stop "binge" drinking. It really doesn only make things worse. The feelings that made me wanna drink are still there while drinking and the next day as well. I rewarded myself for a weeks worth of not drinking and taking my meds everyday and doing what i was supposed to etc. by getting smashed and not taking my meds and not eating all day.

I should stop drinking...but i know i wont

loud breathers

group therapy today, always interesting. We did our "mindfullness exercise" to begin with like always but this time they had mats and we weresupposed to lay down and put our hands on our stomach and chest and ribcage yada yada and breathe deeply into out stomach etc. i did it for about a minute before freaking out that i was laying down in a room full of pretty much strangers and would be unable to protect myself etc. so i sat up and looked at ground mostly for ten minutes listening to 5 people taking deep breaths. That sucked. I have an issue with "loud breathers" It makes me nuts. People that sit next to you, even across the room from you and you can hear every fucking breath they take. I swear i can hear the air passing thru their nose hairs and their mouth palette opening and closing and and and i just fuckin HATE it. people that whistle when they breathe through their noses, blow yer goddamn nose please!. I dont mean older peeople with like emphysem and stuff, young people that just breathe excessively loud. I think secretly I fear I'm one of those people. : (

so umm..

i get comments on just about every post *except my "art" lol...guess that means no one likes it or its just kinda scary...hmm..

nuther survey ty steph :P

50 Questions
1. What is your middle name?Marie
2. What color underwear are you wearing now?oh shit..im busted..none..but wait wait see Im wearing board shorts cuz i was gonna go swimmin but then decided not to and havent changed yet is all. but yah i sometimes wear sleep pants and stuff without chonies too so..whatever im a freak. fuggggit
3. What are you listening to right now?glycerine by Bush on the radio and me singing along with it I love this song :)
4. what are the last 2 digits in your phone number? which phone? who wants to know? you plannin on stalkin me? 80..i think..i dont call my own phone very often ya know lol
5. What was the last thing you ate? ramen,oriental flavor..and pills
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?BLUE
7. How is the weather right now?HOTTTTTT 115 yuesterday today 114..alaska sounds real nice right about now
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Stephy, she called me and woke me up. Thats my new favoritest thing to have happen is have friends call and wake me up. Nothing beats waking up to the voice of someone you care about :D
9. The first thing you notice about the preferred sex? Eyes
10. Favorite type of food? chinese is scrumptiouoliousous
11. Do you drink?Alcohol? yes...more often then i should and since i didnt drink last nite; tonite its onnnn baby :P
12. Do you smoke? yep, too much im up to about a pack and a half a day, i was down to half a pack :/
13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember what you did? almost everytime
14. Hair color? brown with some highlights
15. Eye color? hazel
16. Do you wear contacts? nada, glasses are cheaper. wish i had contacts tho
17. Single? yes, very, and i hate it**cries**
18. Favorite month?october
**qwhat happened to 19??**
20. Last movie you watched?hmmm...umm..not sayin that one but um yah..The nightmare before christmas.
21. Favorite day of the year? New years eve
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? hmm..currently no. I'm feeling all sociable and stuff for some weird reason.
24. Hugs or Kisses? hugs first
25. Chocolate or Vanilla?Strawberry!
26. Do you want your friends to respond back? I think I might tag someone with this just to irritate them....hey GH...hows it goin?..TAG yer it!
27. Who is most likely to respond? dunno, prolly noone, i expect no response i do these cuz its fun to me and i like to look back on em in like 6 months from now and see how things change.
28. Who is least likely to respond? see above
29. What books are you reading? Biological psychology, and the 9/11 commision report but that was kinda depressing so i stopped for now.
30. Piercings? Just eyebrow for now *wicked evil grin*
31. Favorite movie? Alice in Wonderland or Better than Chocolate or Dogma or Foxfire or..sorry can;t pick just one.
32. Fav. baseball team? da cubs !!
33. Fav. American Idol?I didnt really watch it, Kelly Clarkson is cool tho ive heard her cd and its pretty good. She sucked in that lame ass movie with that fuzzy headed guy though.
34. Any pets? HAH! 1 dog, 3 cats, 1 rat thats mine(1 is bros that i take care of too) 2 anoles, 2 leopard geckos, 8 fish, and soon im going to buy a bunch of praying mantis's, and anteater, and something to put in my newly aquired rabbit cage. oh and i want a pond with a red eared slider and koi.
35. AIM? Prayinmantis4, & my secret ones im not telling...on all the imstant messaging things my names are prayingmantis or madhatter related
36. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? not big on popcorn it drives me nuts gettin in my teeth and shit. but if i do buttered.
37. Dogs or cats? I love alllllll the animals :)
38. Favorite flower? marigolds and pansies
39. What do you do when you wake up in the A.M.? smoke usually 2 to get the nicotine level back up, come online, take meds, and sit here reading mail and doing journals thinking about how bad i have to pee.
40. Do you still talk to your best friends from intermediate school? wth is intermediate school? and no either way, i talk to no one i knew from school~any school.
41. What's on your desk? well im at my dads so its really basic and clean printer, tower, monitor speakers, some huge math calculator thing i wouldnt even know how to turn on some weird metal thing i dont know what its for, and my cell phone.
(at home now thats a whole other story lol Ill have to we answer this question next time im at home itll fill up a whole entry im sure heh)
42. Rock concert or symphony? depends who im going with
43. Play or opera? a play im not big on shriekingly high voices.
44. Have you ever fired a gun? yes
45. Do you like to travel by plane?I love it love it love it! I used to love just hanging in the airport and watching people, and hanging on the top level of the parking garage and watching them take off wishing i was going somewhere and telling stories to myself about where the planes were going and who was in em and yada yada.
46. Right-handed or left-handed? Righty tighty lefty loosy..
48. How many pillows do you sleep with?i have a ton on my bed but only use one, and sumtimes the body pillow if im particularly lonely :/
49. Are you missing someone? always
50. Did you like this survey? sure

mini vacation

Ive been taking a lil mini vacation i guess..my minds been kinda...insane...cuz i wasnt taking my meds cuz...im insane...and well yah..anyhow. My dad is out of town for two weeks, I was gonna take his dog over to my house and take care of it there. But because of the fact that my therapist is advising me to have as little stress as possible untill my meds kick back in and its kinda calm being over here alone. I know I can go home at anytime. I can spend all day in the pool if i want, I dont have teenage brothers hasseling me every 10 minutes to do something because theyre bored. Bill collectors cant reach me here. My mom-who I love, but drives me fucking nuts most of the time isnt here. I only have to clean up after me, noone else, thats real nice. I got my art stuff overhere and I paint when i want, what i want and have noone to come in and comment/judge/criticize/"gives construtive criticism"(Bullshit!) on it. I can read books without people coming in asking me waht are you doing? whacha reading? is it good? can i watch your tv?can i use the computer? basically meaning can i make shit tons of noise in your room while yer in here quietly trying to relax??? I love my family mos def, I just need some space which is next to impossible in my teeny tiny house.

Matts going to a "pimps and hos" party in a week or so. I wonder what the parents of the girls going to this party think about it. I stopped at goodwill on the way home cuz they asked me to see if they had any pimp type hats at the stores over here. I picked up the red felt lookin one..looked "pimpish" to me. I personaly think itd be funnier if he dressed in drag as a ho but hey whatever i guess. but of course so im walking around goodwill looking at all the stuff...furniture, exercise equipment, they had an amazing amount of skis i thought for being in phoenix lol. in the middle of all the furniture tho is an animal crate a dog house and a couple rabbit cages. Animal stuf!! Im a fuckin freak but i biought one of the rabbit cages. I dont own a rabbit, nor do i plan on getting one..ever..theyre too sketchy and my dog would eat it mos def. But I cant resist 4 bucks for a metal cage when reg price is like 15-20 ( i assume i wouldnt know cuz i dont buy rabnbit stuff) I figure maybe I can do something with it for the rats. or...OOOOO i got a great idea while driving home if i line the bottom with this terrarium liner stuff they sell so its not the uneven metal(how anyone could subject a bunnny to walking on that i dunno seems pretty mean to me but again anyhow) i get the liner stuf and i can put a box turtle in there! and when the weather gets back to a bearable point, I can keep him outside and hed get the optimum uva/uvb rays yada yada..brain racing with thoughts of wat kinda turtle, where in the yard im gonna put it, where in the house im gonna keep it until it can go outside...I get to my dads house and open the trunk to get my rum for the night I had picked up earlier and see that cage and think..wtf did you buy that for? and roll my eyes at myself.

yep I wanna drink tonite. rum rum...come they told me pa RUM pa bum bum or sumthin..hmm come rum and bum...nice sentence minus the pa's :P


now i have rambled on a shit ton of nonsense stuf thats is really boring. Stephy? please remove yer hypnotizing powers now.... pretty please?

therapa-hypno-groupamatize me!

Had therapy today thats always interesting and makes me wanna over-analyze every lil thing about it. Sholesy gave me a wake-up call : ) thank god cuz i woulda overslept. so ty ty ty to her.

On with the therapy..my therapist is hot...very hot..and the way she talks..her accent or something i dunno what it is but good god it sucks me in. But from the first time I went in her office I noticed on the wall next to the normal degrees in therapy, social work, MAs, etc. there were two certificates about "transpersonal hypnotherapy" I dunno what the hell that means but it somewhat freaks me out. The fact that we do "mindfullness" exercises in group to start off and just some of the ways of thinking they try and teach, it all just kinda freaks me out. Shes asked me before "what do you think you're barriers to therapy are?" and I wanted to reply with , this shit seems jus like a fucking cult all over again! but i didnt...I mean they teach from the dialectical behaviour therapy handbook and everything its not just they're own made up thing. But it still makes it difficult especially when she wants to do mindfulness exercises in our private sessions. Im paranoid shes somehow hypnotizing me. I think Ill ask her what that "transpersonal hypnotherapy" means next time.

We talked about shame today. I asked her a few questions yada yada. basically she said she'd have to consult the other DBT therapist cuz she didnt know. "supposedly there is a positive and negative to every emotion"...I cant see any positive coming from shame. Shame being different then guilt. guilt i can understand having some positive result it might make you not do what you did wrong again etc. but shame?? she didnt know either so of cuiorse this puts my mind in there are loopholes in their program. I must find them and point them out and show how its not all complete and yada yada. I confuse myself, I want to point out defects in any therapy that is made generalized -i guess thats the way to word it fuck if i know. but yet it really is helping me. I think a few changes should be made but overall it helps so why would i wanna sabatoge it..

I have group tomorrow heh..always interesting. There is an older lady in the group..and when i say older i dont mean shes old i just mean shes older then me..Im guessing shes around 50. She makes me NUTS!! She takes up at least 20 minutes every week of her rambling about the stupidest crap. She interrupts, she talks on her cell phone very loudly during break either in the room disturbing everyone else or outside leaning against MY car. She bitches about dial a ride week after week after week. After our mindfullness exercise she says she couldnt hear anything so she couldnt get involved with it, which is bullshit cuz shes sitting there with her cell phone messing with it ~probably playing snake or some dumb shit.
Then theres the lady that doesnt bathe often enough, I try to NOT sit next to her as much as possible. I dunno if she just got off of working in the 110 degree heat with no deodorant for 18 hours or what but dayum shes potent. The older guy who talks reaaaaaaaaaaaaaal slow and everytime he comments on something during group feels the need to point outhow hes done therapy , been in AA, done all this stuff before so he knows all about it. my question is..then why the hell are you in here commenting?? Theres the other older guy who i drove home a few times because he said he took the bus there and i felt bad cuz buses in phoenix suck ass seriously. Then the last time i dropped him off (thining he was taking the bus to group) I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up to take him to group(mind you i dont care for the guy at all, hes a big guy and seriously no shit when i drive with him in my car my car cries i can hear her...well maybe its jus the shocks but anyhow) he tells me oh no he doesnt need a ride to group because the apartment complex he lives in has a shuttle bus that drives him to group, and if he wanted he could even get them to drive him home. hold up say what? WHY the fuck am i driving you home if you can take some nice cuzhy shuttle van to and from group??!?? so yah I dont do that anymore I just pretty much completely ignore him when he does manage to show up. Plus the fact he invited me in to smoke weed with him one of the times i dropped him off kinda put me off- Old creepy dude-younger girl-drugs-stranger danger..eeeek NO.

so yep off to fun fun group tomorrow i'll go, hopefully Ill get up on time my schedules all jacked up as usual. maybenot so hopefully..I like the therapists and the information theyre giving but everyone else there irritates me to no end. Oh and i hope next time i dont obsessa nd convince myself that one of the paintings in the room a woman has her legs cut off in and her feet are there next to where she is all bloody with bones and stuff..that was shitty. if it does i think ill just get up, walk over and turn it around so its facing the wall if they all think im nuts..fuggit..i am duh!.

everyone enjoyin the animal pics?

ok ok, so yes, I am a little obsessed with my animals. I swear they are the cutest creatures ever made and yada yada. I still have two more to post Scrappy and Jack but I need to take decent pictures of them. Lick and Kurt are both very used to my constant photo snapping of them, they've grown up with it but the others aren't so camera friendly.

Kurts favorite spot

Kurt my widdle bubbases

Kurts second favorite spot..his first is on my pillow right where i sleep.


but maybe this will explain my typos : )

Sati :::IF YOU DONT LIKE RATS< DONT LOOK DOWN!

Shiva

pill comics

Blue font: Depakote girl is not responding to treatment Doctor. What shall we do??
Red font: Have no fear Seroquel-Man is here (amazing he can fly with all that extra weight)
(if you've ever taken these kind of meds you know what I'm talkin about w/ the weight thing)

Black font at top: Does Depakote Girl look fatter or is it just me?
Blue font: Depakote girl is still not responding and she now thinks she is an angel. What do we do now?!
Red font: (Seroquel-man)Hmmm I have an old friend named Haldol. He uses a walker now because of side effects, but we cant have people thinking they are angels now can we?
Black font: (Haldol) Come here little lady I'll fix you right up


This was part of my fun with pills night. I wanna do a whole series with all the different meds I've taken and put it together as a comic series lol.

Lick

Isnt he cuuuute?
Thought you were getting something "special" with the title of Lick huh? Well you are, it's my doggie. Quit being a perve! :P

Ivan and Nadia, Nadia is in front smaller and more green

Animal names

I'm horrible at naming my pets this is fact lol. But I needed to decide on a name for the new anole, and the new rat i picked up last nite. Instead of letting weeks go by and have them be nameless I looked some stuff up and wahla! they have names

The older Anole was already named Ivan which is slavic and means god is good (I didn't pick that one Matt did). But going with the slavic thing I looked up on babynames.com Slavic female names and came across Nadia which means hopeful. I like it cuz I'm hopeful that she will live heh. So the anoles are Ivan and Nadia..cute couple I think.

And the new rat, Matt's rat is named Shiva, he thought it meant the female god of war. Which in a way it can but thats a long story that I read all about so now I know more about hinduism then I ever cared to. Anyhow, going with the hindu theme.

Shiva is: One of the principal Hindu deities, worshiped as the destroyer and restorer of worlds and in numerous other forms.

I read about Shiva and I chose Sati because long story short...
Sati is: one of the daughters of Prasuti and Daksha. She loved Shiva, but her father Daksha forbade her marriage to Shiva. She married Shiva anyway, and Daksha got revenge by not inviting Shiva to a festival during his absence. Sati killed herself by self-immolation on a fire. After Shiva returned and found Sati's body, he/she killed and decapitated Daksha, later replacing his head with a goat's.

Gotta love marriages that aren't appproved and the fact they married anyways. And the whole kinda romeo and juliet thing with the fact that Shiva got so pissed he/she killed the dad (and alot of other people and made a new god/beast type thing etc. yada yada) and replaced the dads head with a goats.

Sati came back as another form and again was a consort of Shivas so it all worked out in the end. They lived happily ever after in their forbidden relationship and daddy ended up with a goat for a head. HAHA...

The animals all have names now, the world is free to carry on as usual. :P

survey from sumone elses blog

A - Age you got your first kiss: too young
B - Band youre listening to right now: eminem
C - Crush: :X
D - Dad's name: kyle
E - Easiest person to talk to: sholesy, steph, and kris
F - Favorite bands at the moment: eminem, green day, bad religion, metallica, and allways nirvana
G - Guilty Pleasures: getting drunk?
H - Hometown: phoenix yeah yeah boyeeee :P
I - Instruments: hm, ones i own: 2 guitars; ones i can play somewhat: guitar lol, violin, piano, didgeredoos
J - Junior High: 7th was challenger, and some other school i don't remember the name of and 8th a half year at challenger again.
K - Kids: 1 little 2 little 3 furry animals, 4 little 5 little 6 furry animals.. heh..3 cats, 1 dog, 1 rat, 4 lizards, and fish..theyre my babies :)
L - Longest car ride ever: from here to iowa packed in one van: me, my mom, 2 brothers, aunt & her two kids, gramma and grandpa, and my grandpa insisted on only eating Hardee's from here all the way there. I went NUTS
M - Mom's name: Jane
N - Nicknames: Pray, Praysie, Pray Pray, Hatter, hey you!..
O - One wish: My friends were all happy & had good relationships.
P - Phobias: heights, tall elevators, GLASS EVELAVTORS!!
Q - Quote: right now im liking : "Brain damage ever since the day i was born, drugs is what they use to say i was on, they say i never knew which way i was goin, but everywhere i go they keep playin my song.."
R - Reason to smile: my animals
S - Song you sang last: to someone else?chilly willy the penguin : | to myself: the brain damage song i jus quoted.
T - Time you woke up: 3 pm : (
U - Unknown fact about me: cant think of anything
V - Vegetable you love: asparagus mmmm
W - Worst habit(s): :X
X - X-rays you've had: personally lemme think..ankle twice, hand, knee i think thats it....X-rays ive taken: wayyyy too many, I glow in the dark : )
Y - Yummy food: chicka chicka chiiineeeese
Z - Zodiac sign: Leo ***rawrs louder then steph***

hmm

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

grrs

Does anyone else have problems uploading pics to their blog? Half my pics wont upload, it takes like 30 seconds and then will say either blog not found?! or I get the stupid error page that the page yer trying to view blah blah blah...

They need to figure out a different way to open cat/dog food with the little tabs. The little tabs are really convienent and all but it really sucks when they're half open then they pop off the rest of the way leaving you standing there with "seafood platter" or worse "real tuna with cheese bits" dripping down your face and shirt. **Grumbles** and goes to take a shower.

*ring, ring, ring...*confused voice hello?....heyyyy issa pray! im drunkenen talk to meee..

I used to have this problem when I first got my computer where I would get shit-faced and come online and flirt with strangers, argue with people, and just pretty much incoherently ramble in one specific room. Yes, the mental room hehe (you guys know I heart my mental room buds :P ) But so know that I have been givin the priveledge of a few people giving me their phone number, and since typing when drunk is sooooo damn hard, I start making phone calls. 1 am, 3 am, whatever, whenever, I'm drunk and just start calling people. This is bad. Very bad. Half the time I wake up the next day and don't remember the conversations at all. (I do remember most of ours Steph heh) But who knows wtf I'm saying, I'm sure whoever I'm talking to doesn't understand half of what I'm talking about and I look/sound like a jackass. For example, I called my sister last nite also and left this message on her cells voice mail: knick knack paddy whack give a dog a bone I'm a drunk come roll me home and laughed and laughed and then mumbled some shit about Denny's has good chicken and I forget what else..I'll have to ask her to play it back to me again later.

I used to want to somehow attach a breathylizer to my computer so that if I was too drunk I wouldn't be able to come online, now I'm wanting a breathylizer for my phone lol. The whole reason I'm posting about this is because I woke up this mornin about 7 turned the stereo back on and at the end of the first song the guy comes on and says, So did anyone else make those drunk booty calls this weekend? You know those ones where you start calling everyone whose number is saved into your phone and try to attempt to sound confident and together and you jus make a huge ass out of yourself on their voice mail and no one calls you back? then he starts talking about how no one called him back and I started laughin cuz..yah...no one called me back last nite lmao. Only one person talked to me, and I think she was prolly regretting answering the phone the whole time lol.

I still feel drunk. I had my last drink at uhhhhhh 2-3am-ish? Its now 9 am...6 hours hm. Oh well, just as long as I'm sober for therapy today. The one time I went in still a lil drunk and 45 minutes late the therapist was kinda pissed heh.

pill art #1

I got alot of leftovers what can i say *shrugs*

Is that a prom picture??? Noooo, that's my fake rehab wanna-be prom thing pic. :/

Me at banquet. Gotta love the fake smiles we both were sporting. Heh, I forgot I even had my nails done for the dam horrific event.
I also came across the video for it the other day, I watched the first 2 seconds of it and it immediately went on mute, damn Stone Sober crap music ugh. I laughed as I saw my arm and hand for a split second and then the camera immediately pans down to the skinny, cute girl that was sitting on the floor in front of me. It was pretty funny watching "stone sober" at the studio though, evil bob, nodding his head along as his clint and wendy try to not sound like a couple of elephants giving birth into the microphone. (yah I rewound and actually listened to that part HAHA). I remember when my mom had this picture hanging in the kitchen and people would come over and say who is that??? and she or I would respond with telling them it was me. Then theyd have a confused look on their face and ask, You went to prom but didn't go to high-school? Oh, no no no, this is a "banquet" picture and I'd explain; Banquet is where 200 or more kids would pay shit tons of money to go sit and watch a lame video and listen to counselors rave (lie) about the program.
I swear they only did it so it would make it seem less obvious that almost NONE of the kids went to school. Their parents would all have a picture of them dressed formally as teenagers to pass off as a "prom pic". I remember the first day I went down to the office to meet the Pathway counselors. They had a corkboard on the wall with pictures of all the cool/pretty people. There was a few banquet pictures also. I assume these were meant to throw off the parents. They told the parents yes your son/daughter should stop school now and go to IOP/Step 2 yada yada, but then they can go back to school. And so the parents are suckered in. *Sigh* I could write about all the crap that still pisses me off about the whole experience forever it seems, but it wouldn't change it. 3+ years, gone. Wasted. Definetly not your typical teenage experience. I dropped out of 8th grade, went to 9th grade about 7 days the first 3 weeks and dropped out. Got shipped off to Dad's eventually went to a charter school for about 3 months then we got caught and BOOM I was a drug addict that was going to die and if I went back to school my parents would find me dead from an overdose guaranteed. I did go to the 12-step school for about 2 months after I had a year sober, but I was hanging out with the AA/CA/NA kids too much and they of course were bad news so that ended. Even when my dad did stop forcing me to go to the group, I was put into another rehab program. *sighs again*

I swear I could write a 200,000 page book about my life up until now and I'm only 22, soon to be 23..23..23..wow..I feel old all of a sudden..

retook it and oh hell yah thats much better :)

you are SHANE! the heartthrob of the group, you're
with a new catch every time you go out. you've
got the whole 'sexy' thing down and use it to
get whatever you want, whenever you want it!


Which Character from The L Word are You???
brought to you by Quizilla

duuuuuude jenny sucks : (

you are JENNY! you are sweet, shy, and innocent,
but you've got a darker, sexier side...and you
cant hold it in forever! you're the closet
freak of the group!


Which Character from The L Word are You???
brought to you by Quizilla

dreams are odd

I just had the weirdest dreams.
dream number 1:
I lived at some house and some cops drove by and threw an egg at the house and I jumped after their truck, I had super powers! sweeeeeet..They got out and we fought and I kicked 2 out of 3 bad guys asses. The third would jumpo with me from buliding to building, he was tough and the fighting consisted mostly of him chasing me and me springing down and hitting him when he wasn't looking. By the end we both were exhausted he jumped one more time to the building I was resting on and I looked at him and he at me and we were in love (LMFAO) I proceeded to rub ice on his bruises and then we had sex (ROFLMFAO).

dream number 2: I was in high school(funny because i never really went to high school, a few days here and there but thats it) but my grade school teacher that was so hot was there as my high school teacher. I was in charge of homework grading, If they didn't do it I was to write down how much they did and calcuate how much time they would be spending after school. After we went over the homework assignment I announced who had how much time etc. This girl was there from rehab that I thought was so friggin hot, and I told her she had an hour and a half after school for not doing the homework at all. She freaked out and said her and hte teacher had talked about it prior and now the whole class knew and I wasn't supposed to have said anything. sum fuzziness happens here. Then I'm going to walk out of the school and the girl is there selling t-shirts as some part of school project. I go up to her and tell her I'm sorry I didnt know the circumstances, the teacher never told me etc. The teacher goes to walk by behind where we are and the girl stops her and says I want you to see this. The girl tells me to come behind the counter and she reaches down and takes my hand and kisses it, then we start kissing each others mouths and she stops by sucking on my bottom lip. I turn to look a the teacher, the teacher is obviously jealous and pissed off and storms off. I leave.. more fuzziness (fuckin weird-and whats with the sex dreams?!?!? LMAO)

more "brilliant" ideas

I want an anteater, then I could use him as a pesticide free way of taking care of the ant problem in my neighborhood charge the neighbors a set price for an hour or something..i dunno..maybe they eat termites too, or i could get whatever eats termits and go into business with predator based pest control, anteaters, praying mantis's and whatever the hell eats termites.

I want to gentically modify feeder crickets so they DONT FUCKING CHIRP!!! **going to walk away from puter now to go catch the chirping ones and flush em** ok, I feel bad about killing them, besides the fact that are just innocent little bugs (which thinking about is kinda dumb since i buy them for my gecko to EAT) but then theres the fact that i pay 10 cents each for the bastards, only to have a few days toa week go buy and theres 5 or more that have gotten big enough to start the chirping shit which makes me fucking nuts. So, yes, I want to gentically modify crickets that wont fucking chirp!!! I know this isn;t gonna work cuz they chirp to mate yada yada they'd more then likely not mate then and blah blah blah but i dont want any fucking chirpers and no I'm not gonna sit there and pull the wings off each little bastard. -dammit i didnt get em all theres still one chirpping still GRRR...**walks away again**

Suitcases that have drawers -they'd have to be very thin ones i know but they would be made so that when you get wherever yer going you can zip off the front and it would be like a small dresser. I hate unpacking, everything is out of order blah blah. This way the chonies and socks can go in one lil drawer and shirts in another and another for jeans, or dresses/skirts if you wear that kinda stuff. -cuz we all know i sure as shit don't :P

An alarm clock that will give a mild electrical shock the third time you hit snooze, or if it feels you stumbling around the top of it then switching it to off while its screeching its ear-piercing noise at you, you get zapped too. I'm tired of listening to my moms alarm clock go off for hours on end. ( and the boys's when they're in school) And I'm tired of being drunk and/or too medicated to realize when the alrm clock goes off i need to wake up and not just sub-consciuosly shutting it off.

Some kinda of spongy painting tape. Here's the problem; I have highly textured walls, I use paint tape, but with the huge differences in in the surface some of the paint seeps under and then my perfectly taped off line is no longer perfect and i have to go back and repaint the whole line by hand with a very small brush. EXTREME pain in the ass. If they had some kind of spongy-foam i dunno shit tape that would sink into the divets and whatever on the wall- then the taped line would stay perfect!. Hmm-now that im thinking about this, I wonder if weather-stripping would work..I'll have to try it out.

Another way of being able to turn lights on and off at set times. I have bought probably 8 different timing devices for my reptile lamps, and none of them work. they are either 1, just shitty and dont fucking work right. 2, they cover up the whole outlet and only have one slot in which to place one appliance in. ( my room has a tv,vcr,dvdplayer,satellite receiver, computer, printer, speakers, cordless phone, aquarium light & pump and 4 reptile lights-having one slot for an outlet is NOT an option!) 3, they say do not use with extension cord. (bullshit!) or number 4, the last one i purchased in my genious thinking, hey turns itself on and off at dawn and dusk, this is great! perfect for the reptiles!. DUHHHH (this is another one of those has to go directly into the outlet types) how many outlets does anyone have in their bedroom that are subject to direct light from outside???? I have one, ONE! and its in my bathroom. so my thought was ok..but the sensor thing in the window run an extension cord to the outlet...hmm..I have one lizard over on this wall one on the other wall and two on the third wall...I am a dumbass and this new one won't work either. SO, Here's what i need. Reptile lamps that have day/night sensors on them! Because they are up on the cages and theyyyyy dooooo get exposure to the natural light from outside. There's gotta be a way to make them. I;ve yet to figure it out though.. : /

Super Bathrooms -Ok, first, I never ever ever unless I Absolutely have to, use public restrooms-
But if I must, then they should make "super bathrooms" heres the list:
1. Automatic everything; doors, soap dispensers, towel/hand dryers, flushers, toilet seat covers, you name it, automize it!
2. Loud ass alarms that go off if the auto-flushers are broke and you're nasty ass doesn't flush before proceeding to exit the stall
3. Loud ass music in there so I don't have to listen to you, piss, grunt, or even worse things I'm not gonna mention.
I think thats all for now...

I have more ideas but its 5 am now and I still need to do my homework I tried to start 2 hours ago and instead was forced to come back and blog about the mantis thing and then somehow ended up writing another blog. This things addictive I swear.

homework & the mantis

I started to do my homework, this week it is filling a kind of mood diary; Put the emotion in one box, the event in another, and the emotions function in the last box. I started thinking about what my strongest emotion of the day was, and pathetically enough it was the mantis. heh. Jack was going to eat it if he caught it and I pushed him away and caught it before he could, then brought it inside to play with. The last time I caught one I kept it for a few days but decided it didn't look so healthy so I let it go. This one I knew I wasn't even going to attempt to keep, I automatically thought, yay! a mantis I get to play with for a few minutes then I'll take it back out front to go on its merry little way. That's what I did, but thinking back it's odd that I didn't have any urge to keep it. I'm pretty much obsessed with the little bugs, they fascinate me to no end, but I knew it would want to be outside, going about it's regular life. The whole thing kinda got my head going on a whole metaphorical thought process. Things I love I hold on to. Tightly. I put them in cages and take care of them. I adore them and surround myself as much as possible with the things that bring me joy. Does it bring them any though? Reminded me of the poem by some dude I forget his name. Goes something like: "Relationships are like sand, held loosely with an open hand it stays, but grasp it tightly and almost all of it will slip away through your fingers". And the other one something like; "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it was yours. If not, it was never meant to be".
I never let things go. If the things I love were sand, I would add my own spit or tears to it and clasp it with my other hand.. shaping, and molding it into what I want it to be. But as soon as I took my hands away it would dry up and become sand again. It would float, fly, slide or sit stagnant. It would do what sand does.
sand sand sand... a piece of sand becomes a "beautiful" pearl..-I think theyre kinda ugly myself but hey whatever u like ya know. Sand eaten by one of my geckos will impact and kill them. I think glass is made from sand as well, glass that protects, glass that kills. Sand in an hourglass slowly falling showing time. Hmmm..

I wanna sandbox now....And I wanna place an order for a thousand Prayingmantis egg cases. I also want a new rat friend ofmy own to put with Matt's and the Tokay gecko I saw at the petstore the other day. I want a doberman so I can train it and feel safe, or that cute chihuahua the girl had the other day. I want a Great Dane cuz they're so pretty. I want to start making personalized doggie diner things (or cats) and thought about how I could get a spot at the swap-meet and buy those kind of inkpads that leaves the mark but then rubs off and people could do the paw print of their pet and i could hand paint that and the name and take measurements so it would be the exact fit for their dog/cat. I think..I..I don't feel like taking my meds and think I'm probably starting to get manic but don't care cuz it's better then feeling like shit. Yep. Of course I think I can control it like always. That when it gets to the extra-psychotic state I'll be coherant enough to start taking my meds again. Who knows..fuggit.
I told a friend earlier about buying all the Prayingmantis's. She asked is this going to turn into a helium thing? heh...scary..

a mantis, a mantis, lalalalalala

I went outside to smoke and plop he landed on my head and I just caught him with my eye as he flew onto my head that it was green and automatically was like A MANTIS!!! so I reached up and tried to catch him he flew on the ground then flew on the window thing and I caught him and broguht him inside for a photo shoot :D :D :D I loooooooooooove the lil guys.